Archive | January, 2013

Because giving out your number always goes as planned

31 Jan

The following two scenarios will be unfolding in parallel universes this evening. Unfortunately one of them typically only exists in my imagination, but maybe my endorphin high will help me to find some gumption.

Gumptionless, Typical Penny Thursday:

New apartment –> Fitness Center –> No gym membership needed –> Canceling gym membership tonight –> Goodbye forever, Gym God <<wipes sad tear>>


Gumptionful Meet Cute, Atypical Penny Thursday:

New apartment –> Fitness Center –> No gym membership needed –> Canceling gym membership tonight –> Low-risk opportunity to proposition Gym God

Call me, maybe?

Call me, maybe?

I should just do it, right? Only four salient facts lie between myself and a RomCom-worthy Meet Cute: 1. he is beautiful, 2. he likely has a beautiful lover, 3. I am the most awkward ever, 4. the gym is never a convenient place in which to pick up a potential date.

But, we have this blog and I’ve been boring lately… (Blogs are an AWESOME excuse to do shit you’d never do otherwise, btw.)

Therefore, this evening will find me with a slip of paper, on which is written my name and number*, in my pocket. Should the opportunity present itself, I will slip this paper to Gym God and walk away to resume my workout.

Laters, baby. I’m off to find some gumption. (I should download this song for my iPod, obviously.)

*Last time I gave a guy my number he ended up being a fantastic friend**, so this can’t end too badly, right?

**Who quickly became annoying because he wanted to hang out all the time and wouldn’t take a hint***.

***Still getting random invites, six months later…

DIY – Painted Area Rug

28 Jan

or How to Make a Batman Rug

or How to Win at Girlfriending

Oxford Comma’s birthday was this weekend which naturally meant I purchased party hats, silly straws, streamers, and superhero balloons from the grocery store.

Fictional Conversation:
Cashier: Aww, how old is your son?
Me: 26. And he’s a great kisser.

Actual Conversation:
Me: It probably looks like I have a four-year-old son but this is all actually for my boyfriend.
Cashier: No one’s too old for Cookie Monster hats!
Me: RIGHT???!!!

And what better gift for a twentysomething with a job and bills than a Batman rug for his big boy bedroom?

Several months ago while on a Pinterest binge I came across a painted pattern on an otherwise boring area rug, and truth be told I’ve been waiting for an excuse to try this out ever since. It’s extra fun, crazy addicting, and I’m now accepting commissioned projects. Below is my step-by-step guide for turning a relatively inexpensive 5×7 area rug into a pretty special present for a guy who desperately needs to make his room look less like a solitary confinement cell.

Step 1: Outline the border and mark the center of the rug with painter's tape.

Step 1: Outline the border and mark the center of the rug with painter’s tape.

This really is the most difficult part of the entire rug painting project. Making sure the tape lines are straight and equidistant from the edge is a tedious process, but following a modified version of the old Habitat for Humanity catchphrase certainly helped: “Measure twice, paint once.” I placed down large poster frames to mark out the straight lines, but use whatever you have at your disposal!

Step 2: Sketch out your design.

Step 2: Sketch your design.

This was an exercise in tracing and patience. I searched “1989 Batman logo” (because my boyfriend has a favorite Batman logo) on google images and hit “command +” until it was a size I liked. Of course, then the logo was far larger than my computer screen so I traced a bit, moused over, traced a bit more, etc. Afterwards, I taped together all the paper I used like a giant puzzle. There is most definitely an easier way to do this, but it probably involves the Staples Copy Center and money I don’t want to spend.

Step 3: Transfer design onto painter's tape.

Step 3: Transfer design onto painter’s tape.

I drew over the paper design with chalk, and then rubbed it onto a patch of painter’s tape centered on the area rug. Super easy. And those are my pajama-clad knees. Hi, knees! Continue reading

CLU – Latte Boy’s Alternate Universe

22 Jan

In a universe that looks not unlike this one, but is in actuality quite quite different, a Latte Boy met a Girl who always ordered a very large black, iced coffee. One morning Latte Boy screwed up his courage and gave Girl his number. They went for drinks and Latte Boy immediately friended Girl on every online social network he could find.

During their next meeting, Girl listened to Latte Boy’s Love in the Time of an Ex-Wife woes and offered a flimsy excuse about another guy and really they should just be friends. Girl returned once or twice to the coffee shop as a sign of good faith before buying a Keurig, waited a month, and unfriended Latte Boy on the many social media outlets he had invaded.

Many months later, Latte Boy discovered that he and Girl were no longer friends on the Book of Faces. How could this be?! he thought to himself. Surely there has been some sort of accident – a technological glitch! I must refriend her!

In a universe that looks not unlike this one, and is in fact this one, Penny stared incredulously at her phone on Monday afternoon. Not now, she instructed Facebook. Not ever.

When your ex… Gets fresh with a Best Friend

18 Jan

haha not.

Collegiate alumni event tomorrow evening. Preceded as always by awkward attempts at making plans.


Thebes:  24 hours.

Prepare yourself.

 Penny:  For mediocre wine? I’ve long since become resigned.

Thebes:  I have low expectations – that’s why I rented a luxury hotel room for myself. I plan on retiring from the soiree early on, and luxuriating in my hot tub.

Penny: Not ok!
Polly: I’m… glad he’s talking to people?
Penny: Wait! There is more.

Thebes:  Preferably with a SUPERIOR glass of wine. Because yes, fermented grapes and superheated bathwater are a great combination.

Penny: ?!?!?!??!??!?!!!!!!!!!!
Polly: Ok yeah.
“I’m going to be drinking alone in my sweatwater. WhaddaYOUdoin?”
Penny: WHAT DO I SAY TO THIS INAPPROPRIATENESS??? I take it you are against me saying, “Hmmm. Yes, so I saw on your Facebook status to which we all pointedly didn’t respond. Twice.”

Thebes:  Nostalgia? Check. Hallucinations? Check.

 Penny:  Probably should get absinthe for the hallucinations. Never had that problem with wine.

Polly: There you go, deflect from the bath conversation.
Penny: Sweet Jesus I am uncomfortable. Are you SURE that I have to be nice to him this weekend, because I really would rather… Continue reading

On Stupid Human Tricks

18 Jan

Work, Pinterest, work

Work, pretend to work, Facebook, send some emails

Apartment hunt, furniture shop, dream

Chat with Polly

Chat with Circe

Thank goodness those two slackers finally got into work at the time normal humans get to work

Chat with Polly, chat with Circe, chat some more…









More driving

HOW is there an accident in the middle of the day?!



HIIIIIIIIIIIIII hi hi hi hi why are you home hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I have to pee

Oh thank god oh thank god oh thank god she doesn’t look dead

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii let me trip you up the stairs and run straight to the yummy smells and is THIS why you’re home in the middle of the day?

Elliptical Goddess for a Gym God?

16 Jan

Middle-Aged Male Gym Goer: You spend way too long on that thing [elliptical].

Penny: I’m sorry, what?

MAMGG: Every day I tell myself, “You’re going to keep up with her today.” And every day you just keep going.

Penny: Oh, uhhhh, well <<flashes New Yorker>> it really helps to have a magazine?

MAMGG, if only you knew that every day I say to myself: Penny, if you get off this machine before that grey-haired man I will lose all respect for you and tell you so constantly in a repeating thought pattern until you fall asleep.

Misconceptions from our Liberal Arts Bubble

15 Jan

Just another Tuesday evening at homePenny: Have you seen this article? It makes me angry, but mostly because it seems pretty accurate.
Polly: I’m not sure. We’ve been asked on dates. I know men and women who are comfortable asking people on dates. I know men who will always offer to pay. But then again our social circle is probably a self-selecting bastion of people who fixate on the eighteenth century.



Penny: I think I found my theme song.
Polly: That is one of the Penniest songs ever. I’m not sure what mine would be but it would definitely be less cool.
Penny: I doubt anyone besides the two of us would refer to that song as “cool”.
Polly: Really? I don’t know about that. But I suppose our circle is also a self-selecting collection of people who appreciate the clever lyricisms of Cole Porter.

Other Things We Find Commonplace that May Not Represent Our Generation as a Whole:

  1. Bow ties aren't just for men. Don't be so heteronormative. Everyone appreciates British humo(u)r while acknowledging that female comedians of the Monty Python era were slighted in opportunities.
  2. Jokes about the lesser figures of the Bolshevik Revolution always hit. (Grigory Zinoviev and Lev Kamenev were totally the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of the Soviet Union. Amiright?!)
  3. Wouldn’t it just be more fun to stay in with a few bottles of mid-range wine?
  4. Heyday Broadway singalongs are typical roadtrip fare.
  5. When given the choice between hard drugs and artisan cheese, the answer is always artisan cheese. (Though if the answer is a combination you damn well better compose a sonata about that gruyere.)
  6. The mentioning of Ethel Merman does not bring up images of an I Love Lucy costar. Because that was Ethel Mertz, you putz.
  7. Are we really starting that tired “religion offers societal virtues regardless of its illogical base or archaic value system” discussion AGAIN?
  8. Alternatively, are we really starting that tired “the value of aesthetic value” debate AGAIN?
  9. It is expected to note that there are fewer stairs in this house and one is, therefore, less winded. Any other phrasing will strike an odd, unpleasant chord.
  10. N.B. Latin phrases are a part of casual conversation. Ego corripit?!


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