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Did Penny thumb her nose at fate?

26 Aug

Survey says: Penny has been watching too much Merlin on Netflix.

So, here’s the weird coincidence.

I live in one of the most populous counties in the country and very rarely run into people I know when I’m out and about running errands, much less beautiful men I’ve never met but contemplated meeting seven ways to Sunday. The statistical likelihood has got to be infinitesimal.

So, gentle readers, explain to me how I managed to spot Gym God going into Bed, Bath & Beyond as I was driving away from the DSW next door last night.

The worst part? I decided that since I didn’t have a reason to go into the store, it would be a little too much like stalking to go in and… browse the merchandise.

BUT I DID HAVE A REASON TO GO IN AND I FORGOT.

So maybe it wasn’t fate, after all. Because if it had been fate, I would have remembered that I need a new top for my Tervis since the old one cracked.

Discuss.

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An object of gossip

17 Jul

She did not.

Cast of Characters

Penny – Narrator

Super-Extrovert – Penny’s friend who cannot understand that Penny doesn’t like to be around other people all the time and forces her into social situations.

Civilian – That guy who was really good at dates last year and whom Penny met at another such dinner.

Girlfriend – Super-Extrovert’s friend from college who is dating Civilian’s best friend and roommate.

Disapproving Mother – Civilian’s roommate’s mother and Girlfriend’s supposed future MIL.

***

In which Penny finds herself the object of gossip…

I glanced down the table and immediately wished I hadn’t.

Now, I probably spend more time convinced that people are talking about me than people actually spend engaged in discussions of my utterly fascinating person, but Monday evening my observations of the pair at the opposite end of the table could not have been more affirming of my regular self-absorption.

Still, I’d looked and I couldn’t very well un-look, so I might as well keep looking at the girlfriend of the best friend of the guy I’d gone on a few dates with over a year ago as she whispered in her boyfriend’s mother’s ear all the sordid details of my callous and cold treatment of their beloved young man, currently deployed as a civilian in Afghanistan.

Oof. Continue reading

A little too vested

9 Jul

Too much suit.

My lack of enthusiastic updates may have already given it away, but I thought I’d make it official.

For all his promise, Vest didn’t make it past the first date. Suffice it to say, his texts should have been a warning that he’s a little too far evolved from his troglodyte ancestors to be exciting.

They do exist!

1 Jul

Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to present to you proof that the men in Penny’s mind do exist. She and Circe met a vest-wearing specimen this weekend – in a bar of all places.

Exhibit A, texts from Saturday night.

Penny: It was nice meeting you! Thanks for coming to [BAR] with us, despite the lack of DJ.
Vest: It was nice meeting you. Maybe we can get together soon and have a drink.
Penny: Love to! Hope you find your friends… Sorry we had to leave.
Vest: Yea I’m with them now.
Vest: We can discuss game theory over a gin and tonic… or some other intellectual conversation. It’s so rare to find a woman who is attractive but not dull…
Penny: Funny you should say that. I was just thinking the same about men.
Vest: Agreed. The average “modern” man is troglodyte.
Penny: And the women merely Paleolithic?
Vest: No. Just misinformed, I suppose. I can only speak for myself, but I’m into a different type of woman than most guys.
Penny: Good.
Vest and Penny have a date for Tuesday night. We’ll keep you updated!

He does exist. They DO exist! *mutual swooning*

Justifications and such

6 Jun

The other day my coworker brought in a radish, cheese, spring onion and avocado sandwich. I, of course, immediately needed (not wanted, needed) radishes for my planned egg and avocado sandwich the next day.

I’d just been to the grocery store the night before.

But radishes…

So, I did the unthinkable. I went to Whole Foods. And it was completely justified, despite the sundry unneeded items that also ended up in my cart, because I walked.

Yup. That’s right I burned calories, not gas.

Justified.

Pupfessors and unnecessary politeness

1 May

Have we established that I work with a bunch of old men scientists? Well, I do. It’s a lot like being Penny in the Big Bang Theory (hahhahha no, I only wish I looked like Kaley Cuoco), except instead of working at the Cheesecake Factory I actually work at the university and, instead of being an aspiring actress without a degree, I’m actually an aspiring communications professional with a rather good degree. The Sheldons and Kripkes? They don’t care because anything that isn’t science doesn’t impinge on their consciousnesses (hence why I have a job). But they do like my snappy fashion choices and lustrous brown curls, which my inner-feminist mostly only minds on alternate days or when unnecessarily provoked.

Friday I was just about to escape out the double doors and into the stairwell when… “Good evening, Ms. Lincoln.”

I turned around to see the source of the voice I knew all-too-well. (Why did I turn around? I turned around because I am polite. This politeness often gets me into awkward conversations at work. Keep reading.)

“Have a good weekend, Middle-Aged Male Coworker! I like the hair cut!” (Zeus damn it all to Hades. What possessed me to say that? Ah, right. Polite. I am polite. But, then again, wasn’t that unnecessarily polite and bordering on…. shudders …friendly?)

“You do?!” he made a bounding step in my direction. I shrank against the door, seeing my escape escape me. “Because most people don’t, they think it’s too short. But I like short hair for summer, you know? Do you really like it?? Do you?”

“I wouldn’t have said so otherwise (yes, yes I would), and it’s what you like that counts. Bye!”

You see, what they don’t tell you on the Big Bang Theory is that they created characters by exaggerating the individual personality quirks of the overall science research professor archetype. In real life, they each embody a little Leonard, a little Sheldon, a little Raj, a little Howard, etc. I call the characteristic exhibited above the Pupfessor, eager for praise in any area not his specialization.

“Good boy, don’t you look nice after your trip to the groomer?”

You like my hair? You do?! Source: post.barkbox.com

Don’t I know you?

25 Apr

As previously established, I am the most awkward ever. Prior confirmation of this fact does not, unfortunately, stop me from accruing further oh-so-damning evidence. Take, for example, last evening and the case of the Wicked-hot Army Capitán.

While getting changed after work into my fitness “gear”, I had a premonition that yesterday would be a good day to not wear my standard gym uniform of ratty old t-shirt and shorts from high school, so I was feeling fairly cute – my hair was back in a decently attractive ponytail, my pasty-pale legs glowed nicely against the grey of my running shorts, and my shoulders well-displayed by a racer-back top.

Cute, that is, until I walked into the fitness center and stared straight into the eyes of Wicked-hot Army Capitán. Or, straight into his eyes in the mirror, which is essentially the same thing.

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

You have to understand, WhAC isn’t just a new Gym God for a new gym. WhAC and I met waaaaaaaay back in February in a bar when I was sober and he was not and my friends were making out with his friends while I waited for them to be ready for me to drive them home. (Yes, this was the night of the arm-crossing.)

Another hot one I’d never see again. Better luck next time, Penny!

Then sometime last month I made the connection between the attractive guy from the fitness center who kept looking at me oddly and the mixed-race (Mexican and Native American. DEAR ZEUS, THE CHEEKBONES.) Wicked-hot Army Capitán who courteously got me water so I’d have something to hold and would stop crossing my arms. We’ve since been doing a pretty stellar job of limiting encounters and just all-around pretending to notice everyone but each other.

Then last night he was at the adjustable pulley machine thing… which happens to be right next to the leg lift machine with which I begin my weight routine.

Harrumph.

So what did I do? I turned up my iPhone, ignored his existence per previously established routine, and went about awkwardly lifting and lifting and wishing I’d shaved above my knee or not decided to wear shorts.

Awkward enough for you? Just wait – it gets better. Continue reading

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