(In Order of Appearance)
Penny (editor) – More properly known as Penthesilea, Penny would prefer to sing for her supper (but her actual job has benefits. Benefits! her Superego exclaims with unbridled joy). So, she writes this blog instead and uses her phone to record sound bites during wretchedly long commutes around the beltway of [WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?]. When she’s not endangering the lives of herself and others by illegally using a handheld device while operating a moving vehicle, Penny can be found baking things and writing all over books like she’s still at [EVERGREEN BUT NOT IVY LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE] (or in kindergarten, depending on the day and the writing utensil).
Polly (editor) – In a perfect world with 72 hour days and no biological need for sleep, Hippolyta (Polly) would spend her time writing pithy sitcoms, hosting her own HGTV show (DIY on a Dollar, not that she’s thought too much about it or anything), serenading jazz lovers in an underground speakeasy, choreographing show-stopping tap numbers, and drinking expensive wine with friends while reflecting on the genius of Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics. All from her sprawling dockside estate in Bermuda, far from the hoi polloi. While wearing her leopard print Snuggie. But in the world she perceives as reality, she has an awesome job up at [HAHA YEAH RIGHT] doing [REALLY SUPER FUN STUFF] and life is gradually approaching Eudaimonia.
Poopface – (ref. Penny) Poopface is a male whose face Penny decided on one uncharacteristically emotional afternoon must surely be made of a steaming pile of excrement because there is no other excuse for why he hides it under that beard. Their four year non-relationship was the source of much angst for Penny, but also much growth. Poopface has since moved to bumblef**k middle America and seems at peace with his distance from the ocean. Penny has taken to running through the waves while ignoring Poopface’s thumbs and any wounds they might incur.
Latte Boy – (ref. Penny) “There’s a boy who works at Starbucks/ who is very inspirational…”
Thebes – (ref. Polly) When Polly first met Thebes, he was bursting with unrealized potential buried under gelled hair; a floor-length, Draconian trench coat; and enormous Skull Candy headphones blasting darkly esoteric electronica. During their 4+ year relationship, Polly and Thebes read to each other on the lawns of Edwardian mansions, dabbled in the art of gourmet cooking, excelled in the art of ordering off fancy menus, loved each other very much, occasionally brought a great deal of soul-crushing stress into one another’s lives, and encouraged each other as much as possible. But since their post-grad split, Thebes has acquired a new nickname courtesy of his less-than-charming status updates.
Car Dude – (ref. Polly) f*^@ s%$#^ m%$#$@&* KNIFE h^%#$%$ f&^#%$ f&^%# f^&%.
Molly (guest contributor) – Molpadia and Polly go way back to a time when puberty was imminent, chests were flat, and boys were gross. She and Polly once fought over a padded A-cup strapless bra. This is funny for many reasons now. Well four reasons, two apiece. Molly is newly single and thanks Penny and Polly for the outlet to figure it all out. Molly enjoys philosophizing, shopping, warm beverages, flirting, embarrassing herself and those around her, and searching the depths of the internet for the perfect GIF. A self-professed crush slut, Molly falls in love most days of the week. Don’t worry, she’ll tell you all about it.
Circe (guest contributor) – When she’s not bewitching unsatisfactory OkCupid dates (no thanks again for the set-ups, coz – and don’t think the Roman name fooled me, Erotes!) or luring unsuspecting men to her remote island to transform them into the pigs their bachelor pads suggest they are, Circe can be found reluctantly catering to the outlandish requests of [SELF-IMPORTANT CEO(S)] or texting guys that are geographically unacceptable …because Zeus knows there are no decent single guys docking at Aeaea Harbour.
Oxford Comma – (ref. Polly) After serendipitously meeting through a mutual male friend (but not the MMF) Polly and Oxford Comma moved from flirtship to courtship to budding relationship with record speed. But that is what happens when two very self-aware people spend their first one-on-one night together discussing the meaning of human existence and other such nonsense. (Ed. Note: He played her an original concerto on the piano.) ((Ed’s. Ed. Note: YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESSES.)) Polly hopes that writing about him won’t jinx anything, what with his winning combination of musical talent, intellect [OXFORD COMMA] and general hunkiness.
Mutual Male Friend (with whom I am considering Benefits) – (ref. Penny) This name is a little outdated (benefits have been considered, accepted and going rather well, but not yet labeled) ((Ed. Note: Stop beating around the bush, Penny. He JUST SENT YOU FLOWERS. Yours, Polly)). MMF(wwIacB) is also a mouthful; so, from here on out MMF(wwIacB) will be referred to as MMF because that’s what he is: a mutual male friend (P&P have known MMF since freshman year of college) who spends a whole lot more time with Penny than Polly (if you know what we mean). Penny likes his shoulders and guitar-playing skills (and also that he passed the vocabulary test/assumed that there would be one).