Since the past two Halloweens here on the east coast have been effectively cancelled (see: Snowalloween, 2011 and Hurricane Sandy, 2012), this year we decided to get a head start on mother nature and propose a few extreme-weather-related costumes for when you’re holed up in your apartment not going anywhere this October 31.
El Niño/La Niña – The couple’s costume! First thing’s first, cut out waves from a piece of cardboard and paint them blue. Add a “Pacific Ocean” label, if you so desire. (Remember – only one of you can hold the waves at a time!) Dark pigtail braids for La Niña, who should carry a bottle of ice water and a hair dryer. El Niño carries around a hot water bottle and a hairdryer. The couple should douse some people and blow dry others (floods and droughts, people; floods and droughts) with La Niña doing the opposite of El Niño (be sure to hand off the waves!). Sorry to the feminists in our readership, but La Niña typically follows El Niño… so, for authenticity, La Niña should stay behind El Niño.
The Farmer’s Almanac – Needed: overalls, hay, crystal ball, smug smile (maybe with missing teeth from when the National Weather Service got a little frustrated during your last go-round).
Haboob – We’re actually not entirely sure how to dress like a desert dust storm, but how fun is it to tell everyone you’re a Haboob? (Ed. Note: You could just roll in the mud, then roll in some sand. Give people a lot of hugs. Sand gets everywhere.)
Landslide – Dress like Stevie Nicks and look mournful. Maybe trail some mud.
Tornado – Wrap yourself in a Twister sheet. Bonus points if you pin on little sharks.
Hurricane – Too soon? Too soon.
FEMA – This one depends on your political leanings. If you’re a Republican/Libertarian, you’re going for a bloated look in a rain jacket with reams of paper sticking out of various pockets. If you’re a Democrat, you mean business in your minimalist rain gear and clipboard, and you should give out little packets of almond butter to victims of natural disaster.
Earthquake – San Francisco t-shirt with a huge black line in the shape of the San Andreas fault superimposed on an outline of California. For effect, carry around a stereo (do these things still exist?) with the bass turned all the way up and play some dubstep next to unsuspecting fellow party-goers.
Monsoon – Dress in warm-weather clothes and get very very wet. Periodically go re-drench yourself. The goal here is to leave puddles.
Lightning Strike – This one is all about static electricity, so leave your shoes at the door and shuffle your socks across the carpet. Dress in dark blue with a white stripe up the middle – straight to your hair, which should be gelled to stand on end. Shock people at will. Resist the temptation to draw a lightning scar on your forehead as this will likely confuse other party goers, especially if you’re male with black hair and glasses.
Northeastern Chainsaw Tree-trimmer – Not quite as scary as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but you’ll be all set when the branches inevitably fall off of EVERYTHING in a few weeks because the unfallen wet leaves add undue weight and the trees can’t withstand gale force winds or blizzard conditions.
Rescue Squad – Bright orange and a snorkel. Think of how grateful all those trapped trick-or-treaters will be when you save them from their flooded riverbank home? Can you say “Free candy”?
Emergency Electric Crew – It’s too windy for you just yet. You’ll be at the Holiday Inn until the storm dies down. You should be sure to tell your friends that you’ll only dress up a few weeks after Halloween to build anticipation, but they should be sure to layer their sweaters for a few days, nbd.
Emergency Relief Funding – This is a group costume. Several suited-up types with large flag pins hold a person dressed in green hostage and carry signs with their demands. You can get creative with the demands – Obamacare isn’t the only bill that followed a path through congress to the president and all the way to the Supreme Court where it was upheld, people. There is opportunity here.
Flood Zone (Or NJ Transit Authority) – Carry a lot of toy trains in a tub of water. Tell everyone the models you saw said it would be dry there. Then laugh and ask for money instead of candy.
Home Insurance – Go to Goodwill and find an ill-fitted suit. Whatever anyone asks for, the answer is NO (but only after you hum a lengthy section of your prefered symphony, interspersed with reassurances that their call will be answered soon)!