Archive | April, 2013

New Year’s Progress Report.

30 Apr

The mule and I share an uncanny resemblance. Four months ago I decided against resolutions, but I made a list of statements I hoped that over the course of the year I would come to accept and implement in my daily life. How these are different from resolutions I don’t quite recall.

But let’s check in, shall we?

1. I will not permanently damage any friendships if I utter any variation of the following phrase: “I can’t tonight, I’m a little burnt out and I think I just need an evening to myself.”

The one evening I had to myself last week was spent listening to a friend tell me for two hours what a fantastic wedding planner she’d be and aren’t her future in-laws just the worst? So, nope.

2. Uttering any variation of the following phrase: “I can’t come home this weekend, I’ve had a lot going on and I’d rather take it easy up here” will not permanently sever ties with my family.

I rearranged my surprise birthday party I was not supposed to know about because my mother was offended that my friends wouldn’t assume I was spending my birthday at home. (Take some time to unravel those double negatives.) Then I spent my birthday at home.

3. Prescribing strict or unreasonable diets for myself is unnecessary, but do stop making entire meals out of cheese.

Things I ate today: Nonfat yogurt, an apple, carrots, exactly 10 almonds, two hard-boiled egg whites, an undressed salad. No cheese meals, sure, but I fail on the impossible to maintain strict diet front. I’M STARVING. 0 for 3. (Ed. Note: This was written before dinner, at which time I ate a few more things.)

4. It is absolutely fine to write at home instead of in-between tasks at work. Except for right now because I already started this post. So tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll write at home.

The time of writing is 20 minutes before my work day ends.

5. Nothing will explode if I put off non-immediate tasks until the next day. Sometimes I don’t need to refurbish furniture at 3 am. Sometimes that second coat of polyurethane can wait.

Last week, after working an hour and a half overtime, I decided it was absolutely urgent to drive 45 minutes into another state to purchase a couch. This couch. For reasons I can’t figure out right now, this could not have waited til Saturday.

 I am officially too stubborn to do good things for myself that don’t involve impulse decor purchases.

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Don’t I know you?

25 Apr

As previously established, I am the most awkward ever. Prior confirmation of this fact does not, unfortunately, stop me from accruing further oh-so-damning evidence. Take, for example, last evening and the case of the Wicked-hot Army Capitán.

While getting changed after work into my fitness “gear”, I had a premonition that yesterday would be a good day to not wear my standard gym uniform of ratty old t-shirt and shorts from high school, so I was feeling fairly cute – my hair was back in a decently attractive ponytail, my pasty-pale legs glowed nicely against the grey of my running shorts, and my shoulders well-displayed by a racer-back top.

Cute, that is, until I walked into the fitness center and stared straight into the eyes of Wicked-hot Army Capitán. Or, straight into his eyes in the mirror, which is essentially the same thing.

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

You have to understand, WhAC isn’t just a new Gym God for a new gym. WhAC and I met waaaaaaaay back in February in a bar when I was sober and he was not and my friends were making out with his friends while I waited for them to be ready for me to drive them home. (Yes, this was the night of the arm-crossing.)

Another hot one I’d never see again. Better luck next time, Penny!

Then sometime last month I made the connection between the attractive guy from the fitness center who kept looking at me oddly and the mixed-race (Mexican and Native American. DEAR ZEUS, THE CHEEKBONES.) Wicked-hot Army Capitán who courteously got me water so I’d have something to hold and would stop crossing my arms. We’ve since been doing a pretty stellar job of limiting encounters and just all-around pretending to notice everyone but each other.

Then last night he was at the adjustable pulley machine thing… which happens to be right next to the leg lift machine with which I begin my weight routine.

Harrumph.

So what did I do? I turned up my iPhone, ignored his existence per previously established routine, and went about awkwardly lifting and lifting and wishing I’d shaved above my knee or not decided to wear shorts.

Awkward enough for you? Just wait – it gets better. Continue reading

P&P’s Victorian Alter-Egos

18 Apr

Yesterday, our Gchat took a strange digression.

Penny found this blog post on Freshly Pressed about being called “ma’am” and all attendant young, modern female frustration and WHY can’t we just have a gender neutral pronoun already?!?!? (Ok, the gender neutral pronoun is totally a P&P addition to this sentiment and we are ALL FOR IT.)

The poster suggested “m’lady” as an all-age substitute.

We don’t even know what happened next, but it was too good not to share. We therefore present to you P&P’s Victorian Lives (and rapid class descension).

Hint: Neither of us is Queen Victoria (Emily Blunt). ((Gahhhhh. I want to be Emily Blunt. Doesn’t everyone want to be Emily Blunt? Hysterically funny. Talented. British. Beautiful?????!?!??!)) (((Married to John Krasinski?????!?!?!?!?!?!))) Photo Credit: Young Victoria

Continue reading

Promposals…?

17 Apr

We all know how Polly feels about cheese. It’s about that time of year when “prom proposal” stories start popping up all over the place.

 When did this become a Thing? Am I the only person who didn’t go to high school on the CW?

 My 17 year old sister* is officially Too Cool for prom and will instead spend this adolescent rite of passage eating chips and watching Adventure Time. And as she will not be contributing a prom proposal story to the universe this year, I thought I’d re-contribute mine. It’s simply too adorable for the internet to miss out.

Once Upon a Time…

Around mid-April of 2006, Polly acquired her first boyfriend since kindergarten. We’ll call him Saxon, as he hailed from the UK and played a tenor sax; he was a year older and went to another school, both of which made him mysterious. Below is the 100% accurate recounting of their prom proposal AIM conversation:

pollydancesalot89: hey saxon!!!!! :-) how was ur tennis game?
saxonserious88: good
saxonserious88: but its called a match
pollydancesalot89: o lol
pollydancesalot89: i cant wait 2 c u on friday!! do you want to get pizza b4 we see mission impossible 3? i <3 garlic knots and tom cruise lolol
saxonserious88: actually i think we should talk
pollydancesalot89: k…
saxonserious88: i just dont really have those feelings for u anymore
pollydancesalot89: did i do something?
saxonserious88: no
pollydancesalot89: k…
pollydancesalot89: i already bought the prom tix tho
saxonserious88: i can still go w/u as friends
pollydancesalot89: k.
pollydancesalot89: thanx.
saxonserious88: u good?
pollydancesalot89 has signed off.

And they lived happily ever after.

($20 says you heard the AIM door slam noise in your head. You did. I know you did.)

~~

*Who just got her driver’s license! Go Sissy!

The Pencident: UPDATE

12 Apr

It is with much distress, Ms. Penny, that we must inform you the likelihood of having your kidnapped pen returned to you significantly diminishes after the first 48-hr period.

On Being an Assistant (The Pencident)

11 Apr

What to do when the boss-man isn’t the one making the demands?

***

“Penny, I need 50 copies.”

“Penny, my computer is frozen.”

“Penny, the printer is jammed and I am too lazy to open the paper drawer.”

***

What to do when the boss-man isn’t the one making the demands?

***

I smile.

I nod.

***

What to do when the boss-man isn’t the one making the demands?

***

Footsteps.

A presence, slinking down the hall.

I look up; he’s there, the one from two doors down.

***

What to do when the boss-man isn’t the one making the demands?

***

“Do you have a pen?”

“Yes… they are in that cup there.” In which you’ve already rooted.

With expectant silence, he waits.

“Oh, did you want this pen here that I have open on my notebook and was using? This pen?”

“Great.”

Do you have a PEN?

Previously, On being an assistant

Words I just made up.

5 Apr

Scrumtrelescent.

zombine [ZOM-bahyn] adj.

Devoid of emotion. Figuratively dead inside. Unwilling to expend more effort than necessary to meander at a molassein pace. “These past few weeks have rendered me zombine.”

molassein [muh-LAS-een] adj.

Exhibiting the kinetic properties of molasses. Excruciatingly slow. “We can outrun those zombies, they’re positively molassein.”

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