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P&P’s Guide to an Extreme Weather Event Halloween

9 Oct

Since the past two Halloweens here on the east coast have been effectively cancelled (see: Snowalloween, 2011 and Hurricane Sandy, 2012), this year we decided to get a head start on mother nature and propose a few extreme-weather-related costumes for when you’re holed up in your apartment not going anywhere this October 31.

El Niño/La Niña – The couple’s costume! First thing’s first, cut out waves from a piece of cardboard and paint them blue. Add a “Pacific Ocean” label, if you so desire. (Remember – only one of you can hold the waves at a time!) Dark pigtail braids for La Niña, who should carry a bottle of ice water and a hair dryer. El Niño carries around a hot water bottle and a hairdryer. The couple should douse some people and blow dry others (floods and droughts, people; floods and droughts) with La Niña doing the opposite of El Niño (be sure to hand off the waves!). Sorry to the feminists in our readership, but La Niña typically follows El Niño… so, for authenticity, La Niña should stay behind El Niño.

The Farmer’s Almanac – Needed: overalls, hay, crystal ball, smug smile (maybe with missing teeth from when the National Weather Service got a little frustrated during your last go-round).

Haboob –  We’re actually not entirely sure how to dress like a desert dust storm, but how fun is it to tell everyone you’re a Haboob? (Ed. Note: You could just roll in the mud, then roll in some sand. Give people a lot of hugs. Sand gets everywhere.)

Landslide – Dress like Stevie Nicks and look mournful. Maybe trail some mud.

Tornado – Wrap yourself in a Twister sheet. Bonus points if you pin on little sharks.

Hurricane – Too soon? Too soon.

FEMA – This one depends on your political leanings. If you’re a Republican/Libertarian, you’re going for a bloated look in a rain jacket with reams of paper sticking out of various pockets. If you’re a Democrat, you mean business in your minimalist rain gear and clipboard, and you should give out little packets of almond butter to victims of natural disaster.

Earthquake – San Francisco t-shirt with a huge black line in the shape of the San Andreas fault superimposed on an outline of California. For effect, carry around a stereo (do these things still exist?) with the bass turned all the way up and play some dubstep next to unsuspecting fellow party-goers.

Monsoon –  Dress in warm-weather clothes and get very very wet. Periodically go re-drench yourself. The goal here is to leave puddles.

Lightning Strike – This one is all about static electricity, so leave your shoes at the door and shuffle your socks across the carpet. Dress in dark blue with a white stripe up the middle – straight to your hair, which should be gelled to stand on end. Shock people at will. Resist the temptation to draw a lightning scar on your forehead as this will likely confuse other party goers, especially if you’re male with black hair and glasses.

Northeastern Chainsaw Tree-trimmer – Not quite as scary as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but you’ll be all set when the branches inevitably fall off of EVERYTHING in a few weeks because the unfallen wet leaves add undue weight and the trees can’t withstand gale force winds or blizzard conditions. Continue reading

Happy Hour Topics of Conversation – 3.8.13: More Meaningless Chatter

8 Mar

Below is a roundup of the articles out this week making broad, sweeping generalizations in the name of journalism and page views, but mostly page views. Grab your cosmos, ladies. You’re gonna need them.

(Relatively normal twenty-something women, BEWARE: reading these articles may cause serious side effects including excessive drinking; scoffing; choking on your own spit while scoffing; existential bewilderment that there is apparently a parallel universe of other “relatively normal twenty-something women” who aren’t like you at all and perhaps you are not, as you previously thought, relatively normal; snorting latte through your nose if you happen to be drinking a latte; chocolate fits; giggle fits; giggle-chocolate fits; paleness because it’s March and you don’t get spring break anymore; nausea and vomiting.)

  • Feminist is a dirty word (again!). (Slate)
  • Why does no one like Female CEOs even though we want more of them? (The New Yorker) ((Ok, this article is fine and not at all grasping for page views, apologies.))
  • Residual guilt from the Patriarchy collides with new wave of post-Feminism guilt resulting in shame over desire to fulfill basic human needs! (The Atlantic, Slate)
  • Introverted little girls need heroines, too! (The Atlantic)

Mostly I blame The Atlantic and Slate. Don’t we have better things to do than needlessly categorize each other, ladies? Drink, discuss, be happy!

Aw, shucks.

8 Mar

Many MANY thanks to Farah for nominating us for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. We think she’s pretty great, too, and follow her exploits as a well-travelled twenty-something student figuring out life with the avidity of two wannabe well-traveled twenty-something corporate drones. She makes us laugh and think in equal measure, so we’re very honored to be her blog friend!

Here are the guidelines for responding to the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:
1) Display award logo on your blog. (Check.)
2) Link back to the person who nominated you. (Double-check.)
3) State 7 things about yourself. (See below: Things.)
4) Nominate 15 Bloggers for this award. (Bites nails.)
5) Notify those bloggers. (Donezo.)

Things:

  1. We are skeptical about the new Oz movie and unabashedly hate Wicked because: Judy. (Also because: integrity of political allegories.)
  2. We vehemently disagree on TV, to the point of regular arguments. (Polly enjoys nothing more than wasting a Sunday with Patti Stanger, aka the Millionaire Matchmaker while Penny’s Sundays are incomplete without an NCIS marathon (thank the gods for USA Network and don’t get us started on Penny’s resentment towards SVU weekends and Polly’s borderline obsession with the sexy detective pair) .((STABLER AND BENSON 4EVER.)))
  3. We’re embarrassed we’re still watching Pretty Little Liars (seriously, A, get a (different) hobby) but Ezra Fitz is just too pretty to erase from our DVRs.
  4. We both have a thing for DIY and Mason jars. Things. Real things. This isn’t like; this is like-like.
  5. We’ve been known to expertly cut rugs on the dancefloor. (Polly more successfully than the now-injured Penny whose knees will never be the same following her attempt at recreating Bruce Springsteen’s Super Bowl halftime show.)
  6. Neither Penny nor Polly plans to donate money to their alma mater unless said money is in the form of a rigorously controlled endowment for the arts that bulldozes the lacrosse field/locker rooms and those *!@&$*#@% plasma tvs.
  7. Nothing, repeat NOTHING, is better than that moment when we get home from work and free our boobs from boob jail. (Respectively. In different states. This isn’t a joint effort.)

Since we are mostly concerned with the aforementioned release from boob jail upon returning home from work, our involvement with the blogging community on WordPress is sadly lacking, and we can’t – even between the two of us! – come up with 15 nominees. That said, here is our (highly selective) group of nominees:

Sarah at highfiverson (along with Ryan at CanIGetUrNumber), we’re almost afraid of how much we want to be your friends, even though we’ve never met you. Mostly Penny and Circe over-identify with Sarah’s military-men woes. Polly totally understands her romantic lobsterdates. And Ryan? The Binary Scale has opened our eyes; and, yes, we wrench.

Patrick Latter, if we didn’t hate the cold so much your photography would almost make us interested in hiking through Canada. We’re saving up for some prints once our friends stop getting married and our entire disposable incomes don’t have to go to bridal showers and wedding plane tickets. (Or, Circe caves and lets me get that awesome Gorilla for our living room. I’m working on it. – Penny)

Liz at One Awkward Year, for making us feel better every day about our neuroses. For reasons she can’t explain, Polly also goes crazy when people don’t clear the microwave timer.

Farah, we’re gonna have to ping you back on this one because we both read your blog every time there’s a new post. Every. Single. Time. That one about adulthood and settling and being brave? We talk about those things allllll the time (and you say it so well!). We think you should definitely keep writing to procrastinate studying.

MIASGA, or, Rebounds

18 Feb

Alert the presses – Molly is a Single Girl Again. Who saw that coming?

Sometimes, you just have to listen to your gut. Clearly my outlet here about nothing but what great fun I would have if I were a single gal was indicative of how I was feeling about being Partnered. I finally pulled the plug and while the water slowly, slowly circles the drain of apartment hunting, crying, yelling, and still sharing a bed, I am turning to you, dear readers. It sucks, it hurts, I’m a big ol’ mess but we like to keep things light here at P and P. So we’re going to talk rebounds. Sweet, beautiful, sloppy rebounds.

A DMMF of Polly and I (A Different MMF, not to be confused with The MMF) lives in a city that’s an airplane ride away from my city. I needed to get the hell out of town and booked a last minute long weekend with DMMF, hoping to see a certain BFF of DMMF. I’d met BFF of DMMF once before; we shared a couch and snuggles back in my good ol’ single days. We both suffer from the horrible disorder of NGW (No Game Whatsoever) so nothing happened back then but a lot of sexual tension and Thinking (as I am wont to do). He is cute, smart, talented, and far away from me. The perfect rebound.

I told DMMF that I’d love to see said BFF. He came over. *Pol, take note that DMMF is one killer wingman if you should ever require his services.* We spent a night snuggling on a couch, once again. We spent the next night snuggling on a couch and hesitating until finally the stars aligned and we both pretended to have game for just one instant and took what is probably the lamest risk ever – the Kiss. The NGW disorder kicked in promptly after 30 seconds leading to such mid-make-out pillow talk gems as (in chronological order, not disclosing who said which because they are mostly me and that’s just too embarrassing):

“You have bony shoulders”

“You have a cute face and I like it”

“Are you a lefty?”

Uncontrollable giggle fit #1

“I must confess, I’m a mouth breather.”

Conversation about how hard it is to take compliments about one’s artistic talents

Uncontrollable giggle fit #2

“Are you tired?” “I’m like, 20% awake at this point”

“I haven’t made out on someone’s couch in forever”

Trust that there were plenty more; a lady does need to keep some secrets. All in all it was a little sloppy, it was a lot hilarious, and it was The Best. As I type this from 25,000 feet I am already looking at flights and ignoring impending credit debt to have another rendez-vous with BFFoDMMF and looking forward to the next installment of Molly’s Merry Mishaps.

Ah, P and P / The World, Molly is BACK ON THE MARKET.

P&P’s Better Business Suggestions for USPS

6 Feb

Have you heard?! The USPS announced this morning that they are going to discontinue delivering first class mail on Saturdays. They will, however, continue delivering priority and packages because apparently it costs less to deliver fewer pieces of mail even though they’re delivering the mail anyway? All this finance stuff has never been our strongest suit, admittedly, but that seems a bit suspect to us. (We really would love to know if the same people who invented mortgage securities waved their magic wands of legerdemain to find this supposed $2 billion in savings…)

What’s next? No mail delivery on Monday because no one likes Mondays anyway? And then, hell, we might as well stop delivering on Fridays because everyone knows that Friday is basically Saturday except you have to pretend to work.

We simply will not stand for this. We, the gods-fearing citizens of this great nation that used to have reliable federal services, simply refuse to stand idle in the face of this potentially apocalyptic snow ball set to tumble down the mountain of government inefficiency and spending cuts and destined to become a great big boulder of reduced service and poor quality.

So, we’ve come up with a few USPS Better Business Suggestions (USPSBBS, for short and/or maximum confusion in the spirit of unnecessary government acronyms).

Photo courtesy Washington Post and right click+copy image location.

P&P’s USPSBBS:

1. Be open when people can utilize your services – i.e. have evening hours! If you don’t have the money for extended hours (which, obviously you don’t) then change them entirely and have front desk staff work from 1 pm -9 pm M-F instead of 8-5. Because you know what? I like to send letters and packages, but I send them UPS or FedEx because UPS and FedEx are OPEN when I am not at work. (This goes for banks and doctors, too, just in case any of you are reading.)

2. Stop losing things; it’s bad for business. Again, UPS, FedEx, DHL, etc. are more reliable. Be more reliable.

3. Three words: fuel efficient vehicles.

4. Come up with interesting multi-media services. For example, the Postagram app lets me send my grandma that photo of my parents she insisted I take then promptly forgot about as a physical postcard, straight from my phone. Cool, huh? People still really like getting physical mail and anything ironic is totally “in”, so why are you letting the app-maker get all the money from this?

5. Enough with the creepy clown doll commercial.

It’s here, it’s here! Another Gatsby trailer.

20 Dec

And you guys, Leo hasn’t looked this good since he was “king of the worrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrld”.

Trailer critique:

  • Love the black and gold geometric design elements.
  • Costumes? Excellent.
  • Tobey Maguire, glad you’re moving on from Spider Man.
  • Excellent use of Florence.
  • I rather like the “unpleasant” version of “So Happy Together” that some others did not. It was very effective mood music for the trailer.

Snaps for all.

Check your inbox, Papa Zuckerberg wants your opinion.

5 Dec

facebook

Don’t worry. He probably won’t take it into consideration. Like any good parent, however, he wishes to give the appearance of choice.

But in case you care, here’s what Penny thinks:

If you want to complain about your personal information being sold to advertisers, fine. Be prepared to pay a fee for Facebook in the near future. If, however, you would like to be able to continue using Facebook and other social networking sites for free, please become aware of the standard business model and the necessity of paying employees to maintain the site on which you waste so much time posting status updates about how the universe now has access to the personal information that you chose to give it in the first place.

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