Tag Archives: latte boy

The Universe Delivers

4 Mar

I happened to be in the neighborhood of my old job and saw the familiar silhouette of a certain coffee truck on the corner. “Do I dare?” I asked myself. I had had a pretty trying day. “If Latte Boy is there then the universe loves me and everything will be ok.” Lo and behold:

Molly: Hey, can I get a cappuccino with skim milk?

Latte Boy: Sugar?

Molly: Yes, please. Real sugar.

Latte Boy: I could just tell, you’re not one of those Splenda people.

Molly: Oh, hell no.

Latte Boy: (hands Molly a perfectly crafted cappuccino with his exquisite forearms.) Yeah, me neither. Enjoy your evening. Doing anything fun?

Molly: Nope. Headed home…

*subtext* Ummm… you in the back of this truck? 

Latte Boy: Well, enjoy. Have a nice night.

Molly: Thanks. You, too.

Rihanna as personification of the Universe.

As Polly put it after I texted her a recap: “The universe is all, I gotchu, Mol. I gotchu.”

Latte Boy Sighting

21 Feb

As I strolled down the street with my new single girl pep in my step who should I feast my eyes on but my Very Own Latte Boy driving his coffee truck. We totes made eye contact, guys.

That is all.

CLU – Latte Boy’s Alternate Universe

22 Jan

In a universe that looks not unlike this one, but is in actuality quite quite different, a Latte Boy met a Girl who always ordered a very large black, iced coffee. One morning Latte Boy screwed up his courage and gave Girl his number. They went for drinks and Latte Boy immediately friended Girl on every online social network he could find.

During their next meeting, Girl listened to Latte Boy’s Love in the Time of an Ex-Wife woes and offered a flimsy excuse about another guy and really they should just be friends. Girl returned once or twice to the coffee shop as a sign of good faith before buying a Keurig, waited a month, and unfriended Latte Boy on the many social media outlets he had invaded.

Many months later, Latte Boy discovered that he and Girl were no longer friends on the Book of Faces. How could this be?! he thought to himself. Surely there has been some sort of accident – a technological glitch! I must refriend her!

In a universe that looks not unlike this one, and is in fact this one, Penny stared incredulously at her phone on Monday afternoon. Not now, she instructed Facebook. Not ever.


15 Oct

Guys guys guys guys guys guys guys. Guys.*

Hot gossip: Someone just sent Penny flowers!! Oh darn, now she has to leave work early to pick them up!

But the real question: WHODUNIT?
Could it be…

Latte Boy, in an attempt to make amends for the worst date ever?

Poopface, declaring he is moving back to civilization and apologizing for making the biggest mistake of his life?

Or MMF, assuring her that he will never sleep with Circe in the realm of dreams or otherwise?

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go home and sleep with my wife.”

*As in a second person, plural, gender neutral group.

Unrequited Crush: Fall’s must-have accessory

9 Oct

Well, Latte Boy is over and I have moved on to my fair trade, organic coffee (with Amy’s blend from Caribou on Mondays because it is 1. Delicious and 2. Breast Cancer Awareness Month).

But I apparently cannot function without an unrequited crush.

Important Note: Unrequited is definitely the key word here. I never really wanted Latte Boy to ask me out. Sure, it was flattering and more than a little exciting (who doesn’t appreciate a little affirmation now and then?). But really, I was having fun engaging in a little safe, over-the-counter flirting with Latte Boy and then he went and ruined it by turning out to be a real person with feelings.

Enter Gym God, mat right. Continue reading

CLU – Non-lies and the Slow Fade

3 Oct

Ghosting, as previously discussed, is an abhorrent but extremely tempting method of divesting oneself of unwanted suitors.

Now I would like to present to you the perfectly executed Slow Fade.

But first, to recap my Caffeinated Love Affair: There was this boy who works at Starbucks. We flirted. He wrote his number on my coffee cup. We went on a date. A good friend ran his court records. We met for the in-person let-down. I found a new Starbucks.

(Well, actually, I found an independent coffee shop with not-burnt coffee. But I’m getting ahead of myself.)

Our second “date” and the in-person let-down happened on Thursday during happy hour.

Slow Fade Step 1:

Latte Boy: Well, you don’t have to stop going to Starbucks. I won’t make things awkward for you.

Penny: Thanks! It’s actually about time for me to stop coming in anyway. I can make my own hot coffee; so, I wouldn’t be coming in anymore in a few weeks regardless.

[Note: Perfectly plausible excuse for why he is no longer seeing me around.] Continue reading

CLU – Fodder for the Inlaws

1 Oct

My Misadventures with Latte Boy have already achieved favorite family anecdote status. The whole sorry story was, apparently, trotted out to amuse the inlaws this weekend.

Glad to be of service, even in my absence. Takes bow.

(Aside: Why is it that the dating life of an unmarried female is seen as an appropriate – even desirable – topic of conversation within the larger family unit? Oh, the dog is no longer being cute. Twiddles thumbs… What is Penny up to these days? Dating anyone?? Being single and in my twenties is not Abnormal. Right? RIGHT?!)

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