New Parody Site

Hi guys!

We’re so sorry that we just sort of disappeared off the face of the blogosphere. Blame ennui, busy schedules, and Netflix.

But inspiration has struck! Even though we will no longer be posting on P&P, our voices have moved over to a new space on Tumblr called the Parody Workshop. We hope that you all will come check out our tongue-in-cheek parodies of popular culture.

Our first offering to the gods of comedy, if you will permit us one last homage to our namesakes, is Gloaming (Or, Twilight in which Edward can hear Bella’s thoughts and does not wait until the second book to attempt suicide by Volturi).

Peace, and happy new year!

P&P

P&P’s Guide to an Extreme Weather Event Halloween

Since the past two Halloweens here on the east coast have been effectively cancelled (see: Snowalloween, 2011 and Hurricane Sandy, 2012), this year we decided to get a head start on mother nature and propose a few extreme-weather-related costumes for when you’re holed up in your apartment not going anywhere this October 31.

via http://www.crestfallen.com

El Niño/La Niña – The couple’s costume! First thing’s first, cut out waves from a piece of cardboard and paint them blue. Add a “Pacific Ocean” label, if you so desire. (Remember – only one of you can hold the waves at a time!) Dark pigtail braids for La Niña, who should carry a bottle of ice water and a hair dryer. El Niño carries around a hot water bottle and a hairdryer. The couple should douse some people and blow dry others (floods and droughts, people; floods and droughts) with La Niña doing the opposite of El Niño (be sure to hand off the waves!). Sorry to the feminists in our readership, but La Niña typically follows El Niño… so, for authenticity, La Niña should stay behind El Niño.

The Farmer’s Almanac – Needed: overalls, hay, crystal ball, smug smile (maybe with missing teeth from when the National Weather Service got a little frustrated during your last go-round).

Haboob –  We’re actually not entirely sure how to dress like a desert dust storm, but how fun is it to tell everyone you’re a Haboob? (Ed. Note: You could just roll in the mud, then roll in some sand. Give people a lot of hugs. Sand gets everywhere.)

Landslide – Dress like Stevie Nicks and look mournful. Maybe trail some mud.

Tornado – Wrap yourself in a Twister sheet. Bonus points if you pin on little sharks.

Hurricane – Too soon? Too soon.

FEMA – This one depends on your political leanings. If you’re a Republican/Libertarian, you’re going for a bloated look in a rain jacket with reams of paper sticking out of various pockets. If you’re a Democrat, you mean business in your minimalist rain gear and clipboard, and you should give out little packets of almond butter to victims of natural disaster.

Earthquake – San Francisco t-shirt with a huge black line in the shape of the San Andreas fault superimposed on an outline of California. For effect, carry around a stereo (do these things still exist?) with the bass turned all the way up and play some dubstep next to unsuspecting fellow party-goers.

Monsoon –  Dress in warm-weather clothes and get very very wet. Periodically go re-drench yourself. The goal here is to leave puddles.

Lightning Strike – This one is all about static electricity, so leave your shoes at the door and shuffle your socks across the carpet. Dress in dark blue with a white stripe up the middle – straight to your hair, which should be gelled to stand on end. Shock people at will. Resist the temptation to draw a lightning scar on your forehead as this will likely confuse other party goers, especially if you’re male with black hair and glasses.

Northeastern Chainsaw Tree-trimmer – Not quite as scary as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but you’ll be all set when the branches inevitably fall off of EVERYTHING in a few weeks because the unfallen wet leaves add undue weight and the trees can’t withstand gale force winds or blizzard conditions.

Did Penny thumb her nose at fate?

Survey says: Penny has been watching too much Merlin on Netflix.

So, here’s the weird coincidence.

I live in one of the most populous counties in the country and very rarely run into people I know when I’m out and about running errands, much less beautiful men I’ve never met but contemplated meeting seven ways to Sunday. The statistical likelihood has got to be infinitesimal.

So, gentle readers, explain to me how I managed to spot Gym God going into Bed, Bath & Beyond as I was driving away from the DSW next door last night.

The worst part? I decided that since I didn’t have a reason to go into the store, it would be a little too much like stalking to go in and… browse the merchandise.

BUT I DID HAVE A REASON TO GO IN AND I FORGOT.

So maybe it wasn’t fate, after all. Because if it had been fate, I would have remembered that I need a new top for my Tervis since the old one cracked.

Discuss.

The DOs and DON’Ts of Bridal Etiquette, by the Reluctant MOH.

Do research convenient accommodations for your out-of-town guests.

Do not plan bachelorette, rehearsal, and wedding events in opposite parts of the city and leave your guests to navigate Orbitz without recommendations.

Do find a season and venue appropriate bridesmaids dress.

Do not ask your bridesmaids to wear floor-length, dark blue gowns at an outdoor ceremony in August in tropical Florida.

Do find suitable alternatives for any expecting bridesmaids.

Do not expect all of your bridesmaids to wear the same unflattering maternity dress regardless of differing states of fertility.

Do select attendants who can easily and affordably attend all associated events.

Do not foist the responsibilities of Maid of Honor on your childhood friend living eight states away.

Do graciously accept any and all gifts the guests choose to bestow.

Do not include a request in your invitation that all gifts be in the form of dollar dollar billz.

OR Do not act surprised when a thoughtful card is filled with US Airlines, Orbitz, David’s Bridal, and Party City receipts.

Do focus on having a few nicely done aspects of the reception.

Do not provide guests with plastic serving ware, skimp on the favors, AND ask them to “Please Help Yourselves!” at the LIQUOR TABLE because all of your joint savings went to the 6k diamond rock.

Do be sure you want to be emotionally and financially chained to your fiance.

Do not cry on the phone weeks before your wedding to your MOH about how you will go through with the ceremony but maybe not get the marriage license because “divorces are expensive.”

Do have a relationship where if you cannot at least agree on non-negotiables (term c/o Patti Stanger) like gender equality and religion, you can talk about them.

Do not lie to your fiance about major life-altering decisions you’ve made in the past because you’re worried that with his close-minded, patriarchal upbringing he won’t understand a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body.

Do make sure your wedding date isn’t during an annual season of natural disasters.

Do not simply cross your fingers and hope that this summer, weather will suddenly behave in a peaceful manner most out of character for the Gulf of Mexico.

Do adhere to as many of the above common courtesies as possible.

Do not direct a sideways glance at your MOH when, after you’ve neglected each and every one of the above suggestions, she brings her own oversized beach bag to carry out her unlimited salad and breadsticks at your hastily thrown together rehearsal dinner.

An object of gossip

She did not.

Cast of Characters

Penny – Narrator

Super-Extrovert – Penny’s friend who cannot understand that Penny doesn’t like to be around other people all the time and forces her into social situations.

Civilian – That guy who was really good at dates last year and whom Penny met at another such dinner.

Girlfriend – Super-Extrovert’s friend from college who is dating Civilian’s best friend and roommate.

Disapproving Mother – Civilian’s roommate’s mother and Girlfriend’s supposed future MIL.

***

In which Penny finds herself the object of gossip…

I glanced down the table and immediately wished I hadn’t.

Now, I probably spend more time convinced that people are talking about me than people actually spend engaged in discussions of my utterly fascinating person, but Monday evening my observations of the pair at the opposite end of the table could not have been more affirming of my regular self-absorption.

Still, I’d looked and I couldn’t very well un-look, so I might as well keep looking at the girlfriend of the best friend of the guy I’d gone on a few dates with over a year ago as she whispered in her boyfriend’s mother’s ear all the sordid details of my callous and cold treatment of their beloved young man, currently deployed as a civilian in Afghanistan.

Oof.