Tag Archives: love

Valentine’s, a Suggestion

13 Feb

Fear not, dear readers, this will not be a diatribe about commercialism. Whatever normative ideals I may hold, I am – at heart – a realist and a pragmatist who recognizes that Valentine’s Day is here to stay (not least because any threat to its continued existence would surely see a frightening coalition of florists, chocolatiers and greeting card conglomerates forging Super-PACs and other lobbying bodies to convince House Republicans that not having Valentine’s Day is somehow unconstitutional and violates the consumer-driven economic rights of corporations ‘Mericans, notably small business owners). Any and all rants re: commercialism are, therefore, not only insufferably holier-than-thou and/or pathetically obvious attempts to rationalize disappointment, but pointless to boot.

That said, I dislike Valentine’s Day for the same reason I dislike the requisite gift-giving on Christmas and birthdays, or the (also timely) pretension of giving up something for Lent: it all seems so insincere. Are we all so selfish and self-absorbed that we need a designated calendar day to remind us to show the special people in our lives that we care for and value them (or show God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit that we appreciate His/His/Its sacrifices)?

Apparently, yes.

Confession: I am completely and undeniably single, not even a crush in sight. Continue reading

Because giving out your number always goes as planned

31 Jan

The following two scenarios will be unfolding in parallel universes this evening. Unfortunately one of them typically only exists in my imagination, but maybe my endorphin high will help me to find some gumption.

Gumptionless, Typical Penny Thursday:

New apartment –> Fitness Center –> No gym membership needed –> Canceling gym membership tonight –> Goodbye forever, Gym God <<wipes sad tear>>

OR

Gumptionful Meet Cute, Atypical Penny Thursday:

New apartment –> Fitness Center –> No gym membership needed –> Canceling gym membership tonight –> Low-risk opportunity to proposition Gym God

Call me, maybe?

Call me, maybe?

I should just do it, right? Only four salient facts lie between myself and a RomCom-worthy Meet Cute: 1. he is beautiful, 2. he likely has a beautiful lover, 3. I am the most awkward ever, 4. the gym is never a convenient place in which to pick up a potential date.

But, we have this blog and I’ve been boring lately… (Blogs are an AWESOME excuse to do shit you’d never do otherwise, btw.)

Therefore, this evening will find me with a slip of paper, on which is written my name and number*, in my pocket. Should the opportunity present itself, I will slip this paper to Gym God and walk away to resume my workout.

Laters, baby. I’m off to find some gumption. (I should download this song for my iPod, obviously.)

*Last time I gave a guy my number he ended up being a fantastic friend**, so this can’t end too badly, right?

**Who quickly became annoying because he wanted to hang out all the time and wouldn’t take a hint***.

***Still getting random invites, six months later…

CLU – Latte Boy’s Alternate Universe

22 Jan

In a universe that looks not unlike this one, but is in actuality quite quite different, a Latte Boy met a Girl who always ordered a very large black, iced coffee. One morning Latte Boy screwed up his courage and gave Girl his number. They went for drinks and Latte Boy immediately friended Girl on every online social network he could find.

During their next meeting, Girl listened to Latte Boy’s Love in the Time of an Ex-Wife woes and offered a flimsy excuse about another guy and really they should just be friends. Girl returned once or twice to the coffee shop as a sign of good faith before buying a Keurig, waited a month, and unfriended Latte Boy on the many social media outlets he had invaded.

Many months later, Latte Boy discovered that he and Girl were no longer friends on the Book of Faces. How could this be?! he thought to himself. Surely there has been some sort of accident – a technological glitch! I must refriend her!

In a universe that looks not unlike this one, and is in fact this one, Penny stared incredulously at her phone on Monday afternoon. Not now, she instructed Facebook. Not ever.

One day she’ll eat normal [sic] again.

20 Nov

The Veggieducken

Normal-LY, Aunt Opinion. One day, I may once again eat normalLY.

Or what you consider normal, at any rate.

Thanksgiving and other family holiday meals are always awash with family politics disguised in the delegation of certain foods to certain people. The cranberry muffins are the purview of Aunt Opinion regardless of who’s hosting because they are her thing. My mom always brings the pie because, well, her pies are the best. At Christmas, my other aunt will always show up with the homemade Eggnog we love to throw away. In the case of my family – the non-delegation of foodstuffs is also fast-becoming a point of contention.

Because of moi.

About two years ago I started disdaining meat and eating what the rest of my family refers to as rabbit food. Coming from good Pennsylvania-Dutch and/or Southern backgrounds, they just can’t understand why I would ever give up the focal point of all our holiday meals.

Penny: I’m a vegetarian. You’re not? Ok! That’s fine. I can’t fathom what you possibly find appetizing about turkey, chicken, pork, etc. (steak or prime rib… ehhh, I have to give you those; also maybe bacon), but really – go forth and eat animals with my blessing. Just don’t expect me to join you because vegetables are so much more delicious.

Family: You don’t eat meat? It’s ok! I’ll make lamb. (Skip to 4:10)

Penny: Mmmmmkay.

My Aunt Opinion, however, still holds out hope. Continue reading

Laura Linney answered the phone. Would you?

16 Nov

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, dear readers! Love Actually is in season!*

There are thousands of paeans to it’s wonderfulness each November and December, including this latest lively and amusing contribution on HelloGiggles.

“I bet Sam grew up to be a dude who really respected women — not so much airports, but definitely women — and had fantastic relationships, courtesy of the rules taught to him by his mom and Liam Neeson.”

SO TRUE.

“Emma Thompson being cooler than all of us.”

ALSO SO TRUE. (The ‘always and forever’ is implied.)

“But Carl, maybe stick around? That’s another thing. Like, obviously Laura Linney needs to SERIOUSLY set some boundaries, but also, if Carl really liked Laura Linney, maybe they could make this work together? Why couldn’t you stick around, Carl? I know it’s red flag central, but it’s not like Laura’s on the phone with her drug dealer — it’s her mentally ill sibling who she takes care of. I’m just saying that sometimes life’s complicated, so what’s up with flying the coop, C-Dawg.”

SO TRUE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE.

Of course, now we have to have a conversation here on P&P about this scene to end all scenes that is the crux of why this movie became the movie that all other ensemble cast movies aspire to be – this ensemble cast movie makes you think about what you would do for lurrrrrrrrrrrrve and how that lurve influences your use of italics. Continue reading

In which Penny gets the check

5 Nov

It’s the first Saturday in November and MMF has lasted longer than most of his predecessors, but quite long enough in Penny’s estimation. She moved their tentative date from her city to his, made it for lunch, and established a convenient quick getaway in the form of her parents’ desperately desiring her company and needing someone to pick up a quart of milk. “Skim, pls.”

[fade-in on Penny, lazing about her parents’ living room in front of the fire reading none other than Anna Karenina because she might as well give something a thirty-fifth chance today…]

MMF (SMS): It’s because I let you pay for lunch, isn’t it?
Penny (SMS): Hahahah no. It is not because you let me pay.
MMF (SMS): I can’t help second-guessing. Did you remember the milk?
Penny (SMS): I did… I forgot how much I hate Wegmans’ parking lot. And don’t second-guess yourself. This is not on you.
MMF (SMS): Well… if you want to talk about it, let me know.

[cue: College Football Theme Music (because that’s what was on TV)((because it is Saturday in America))]

Daddy: What’s that look for?
Penny: Recounts textversation.
Mom: Which one is this, again? Is this that coffee boy?? I feel badly for him, but I’m glad you used us as an excuse this weekend! Continue reading

In which Penny’s commitment issues are placed before the Board of Review

1 Nov

Penny has been seeking advice re: her continued commitment issues from all quarters and amassed a collection of Wise Counsel:

Penny’s Complaint: He keeps dropping the ball on my flirtatious forays. He’s too serious, and I am bored.

16th Century Doctor: It is not the male’s duty to entertain you, but yours to entertain him, Wench. Hold still while I attach these leeches to your veins and drain away your life’s blood, leaving you weak, feeble and dependent on his seriousness. *Cough* I mean, balance your humors so you become properly submissive and appreciative of intermittent male attention. *Cough* I mean… OH I don’t know what I mean. SIT STILL.

Penny’s Complaint: He is not assertive enough.

Christian Grey: Sorry, Penny. I am taken. (And fictional.) ((And almost definitely emotionally abusive.)) 

Penny’s Complaint: I like being single.

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (The Rules): Don’t be ridiculous. NO ONE likes being single. You just aren’t playing the game correctly if he’s boring you. Here are some guidelines…

Penny’s Complaint: He’s taking too long, not talking to me enough, and I am indifferent.

18th Century Mother: Just lie back and think of England, darling.

Penny’s Complaint: He’s too nice.

Witch Doctor: Put a lime in the Coke, you nut!

Penny’s Complaint: Paul Simon, I am just so stressed about this. I don’t know how to say “let’s be friends”. Continue reading

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