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The Virtuous Hangover

21 Sep

Gchat Writing Date

Penny: So. I forgot my books. And I am at Starbucks. This may or may not be a productive use of our time. (Also, Aristotle is in the attic at my parents’…)

Polly: Fear not! For Aristotle is always on my bookshelf! As are Albert Cammypants, Platyface, Freddy Nietz, Marxy Mark, T-Hobbez, my gurl Ayn, the Presocratic Playahs, and some boring martyrs.

Penny: Is it bad that I just figured out how to pronounce Albert Camus yesterday? Should I be ashamed?

Polly: OMZ me too. Not yesterday. But recently. Recently enough to be ashamed.

Penny: Literally. Yesterday. And you know me and literally. I only use it literally. Ok. We’re getting distracted. I’ve had too much coffee. Have you had any?

Polly: No coffee. I haven’t even gotten to my hangover ramen yet. I’m still in that place where looking at food makes me a little physically uncomfortable but not so uncomfortable that I don’t notice how extremely hungry I am.

Penny: This is why I am antisocial 98% of the time. I had a glorious early morning run, gym sesh, shower and jaunt to Starbucks to read and drink my free birthday latte while I waited for you to wake up and get online. Temperance, Pol. Temperance is an astonishingly useful virtue. (And also a very strange first name.)

Polly: Yes, I was definitely intemperate last night. Aristotle is judging me. “The pleasures that concern temperance and intemperance are those that are shared with the other animals, and so appear slavish and bestial.”

Penny: Damn, I think Aristotle’s judgy face is better than mine.

Polly: Well there ARE caveats! “To enjoy these things, then, and to like them most of all, is bestial. For indeed the most civilized of the pleasures coming through touch, such as those produced by rubbing and warming in gymnasia, are excluded from intemperance…” So if instead of sharing a giant bottle of sparkling wine and talking about boys with my friend we instead… oh Zeus, I don’t know if I want to continue that thought.

Penny: “Sometimes I think I might try crystal meth. But then I think mmmm…better not.” Etc.? Continue reading

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Goodbye, basketball team.

19 Sep

Over the past few highly irregular months, we’ve collected a basketball team of suitors. Latte Boy, MMF(wwIacB), Persy, Work Flirt*, and Oxford Comma might not be destined for the NBA**, but they have paid for a good amount of food and alcohol lately.

The time has come, as the walrus said, to talk of many things… mostly cabbages. Just kidding. Sealing wax. For sure.

Not oysters. No one bought us oysters. Thank, Zeus. (Said Penny, the vegetarian.) Gosh darnit. ((Said Polly, the omnivore.))

ANYWAY.

Now we have a bit of a moral dilemma re: the superfluous men.

Penny needs to find a new Starbucks and Polly needs to be upfront with Work Flirt. And she also probably needs to give you all a little context.

Since that strange weekend where we both did a lot of social things, Polly has been talking to/casually dating Work Flirt AND Oxford Comma. (We guess it wasn’t such a long story.)

But as tends to happen when prospectives are interviewed for an available opening (heh), some candidates stand out above the rest and the others need to be gently let go.

Ghosting is soooooo tempting and also SO RUDE. But – oh! – so tempting.

Though, if we’re tackling this like a job interview, then ghosting probably would be the most accurate continuation of the metaphor. But since we know the sting of sending out resumes and never ever ever ever ever ever ever hearing back, we realize we ought to behave with more tact.

Here’s the thing, though. How do you explain to a guy you’ve only dated one or two or maybe three times that “it’s not you, it’s me,” “there’s someone else that I’m also seeing casually and am not exclusive with but really this is an excuse because you have somehow managed to completely infiltrate my online life and STAY OUT OF MY GOODREADS,” “it just really isn’t a good idea to date at work,” “I can’t keep up with this unrelenting stream of constant IMs”, etc. without actually uttering any banal platitudes, lying, or hurting feelings?

Oh, were you looking for an answer to that rhetorical question? Our apologies.

Ok, ok we’ll try to work it out.

The ABCs of Let-Down Approaches:

  • Apologetic: You’re a really nice guy, and I’ve had a lot of fun with you, but I just don’t think we’re a good match. Continue reading

Deep [into her eyes] Meanings

21 Aug

Penny: He is staring into my soulllllllll. At about 0:55 he starts gazing into my eyes and I just can’t do anything but be mesmerized until 1:19.
(a minute later)
But I don’t understand the rubber noses.
Polly: Allow me to deconstruct for you. It’s a commentary on relationships in this age of constant communication. Everything we have to say is a farce. A facade. A “false nose”. Our identities are merely projections. We are hyperboles of ourselves.
Penny: I like the broody one. Look at his vest!
Polly: I like the goofy one with the chicken dance moves. Even what we perceive as love is all a joke in the end…


							

The Hipster IT Dept

9 Aug

To: Employees of [MAJOR PUBLISHING HOUSE] 

From: IT Dept of [MAJOR PUBLISHING HOUSE]

Subject: FYI – Internet is down

…Have hipsters invaded the IT dept?

I’m at a loss to account for the irony.

 

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