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A fallacy of logic

16 Jul

I’ve always been a chin person.

That is one FINE chin.

So it follows logically that I am not a beard person. (Sexy stubble permissible.)

Where’d your delightful chin go?

So explain to me this:

Why did John Krasinski get infinitely more attractive of late?

New Year’s Progress Report.

30 Apr

The mule and I share an uncanny resemblance. Four months ago I decided against resolutions, but I made a list of statements I hoped that over the course of the year I would come to accept and implement in my daily life. How these are different from resolutions I don’t quite recall.

But let’s check in, shall we?

1. I will not permanently damage any friendships if I utter any variation of the following phrase: “I can’t tonight, I’m a little burnt out and I think I just need an evening to myself.”

The one evening I had to myself last week was spent listening to a friend tell me for two hours what a fantastic wedding planner she’d be and aren’t her future in-laws just the worst? So, nope.

2. Uttering any variation of the following phrase: “I can’t come home this weekend, I’ve had a lot going on and I’d rather take it easy up here” will not permanently sever ties with my family.

I rearranged my surprise birthday party I was not supposed to know about because my mother was offended that my friends wouldn’t assume I was spending my birthday at home. (Take some time to unravel those double negatives.) Then I spent my birthday at home.

3. Prescribing strict or unreasonable diets for myself is unnecessary, but do stop making entire meals out of cheese.

Things I ate today: Nonfat yogurt, an apple, carrots, exactly 10 almonds, two hard-boiled egg whites, an undressed salad. No cheese meals, sure, but I fail on the impossible to maintain strict diet front. I’M STARVING. 0 for 3. (Ed. Note: This was written before dinner, at which time I ate a few more things.)

4. It is absolutely fine to write at home instead of in-between tasks at work. Except for right now because I already started this post. So tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll write at home.

The time of writing is 20 minutes before my work day ends.

5. Nothing will explode if I put off non-immediate tasks until the next day. Sometimes I don’t need to refurbish furniture at 3 am. Sometimes that second coat of polyurethane can wait.

Last week, after working an hour and a half overtime, I decided it was absolutely urgent to drive 45 minutes into another state to purchase a couch. This couch. For reasons I can’t figure out right now, this could not have waited til Saturday.

 I am officially too stubborn to do good things for myself that don’t involve impulse decor purchases.

The irrational Self-Hate Monster always wins.

3 Apr

The Self-Hate Monster is unbeatable because the Self-Hate Monster is self-sustaining.

Situation: Over the past few weeks I’ve taken on the role of relationship initiator. I text first, I call, I plan, etc. I’m not the person who refuses to reach out if things are feeling unbalanced. If I want to talk to my boyfriend I talk to him. But it still hurts to feel like the only one taking it on.

Self-Hate Monster: Then doesn’t it stand to reason if he wanted to talk to you, he would? If he wanted to see you he’d make plans. It wasn’t always like this. Obviously you’ve done something to make yourself less desirable.

Logical Action: I’ll raise my concerns to Oxford Comma, who is a person of intellect and reason. How can I expect him to understand a problem he doesn’t know I’m having? I know he loves me. Let’s not forget the wonderful birthday party he threw a few scant weeks ago.

Self-Hate Monster Self-Sustenance: This isn’t the first time you’ve had this conversation with a boyfriend. Let’s look for common denominators. OH IT’S YOU. You need to nag someone into caring about you? You want him to text you cute things out of obligation? Well if that kind of relationship makes you happy…

So what do I do? I start logical.

-Can I be awkward for a moment? This has just been on my mind lately.
-I know you care about me but it makes me a bit self-conscious when I’m the one always initiating.
-I’d rather you asked if I wanted to come over than expect me to act upon an open invitation.

So far so good. Until…

-I don’t want you to act differently just because I’m whining!
-No, no, it’s totally fine, I’m the crazy one. I’m sorry.
-I just don’t want to feel like I’m nagging when I call you or I’m intruding when I come over.

Mayday! Mayday! Self-Hate Monster Self-Fulfilling Prophecy! I AM NAGGING ABOUT NAGGING.

The problem is there is no way to win. If everything remains the same, the Self-Hate Monster circles back to the beginning and repeats. If Oxford does hear me and reaches out more often, the Self-Hate Monster will convince me it isn’t genuine. Every text will be accompanied with a tiny pang of guilt for asking to be cared about.

And in my brain I know I should smack the Self-Hate Monster and just be all

But because of whatever that place is that always overrules my brain, I just end up looking in the mirror and thinking

Death (to love) by salad

22 Mar

Monday, Penny met a boy walking home from the subway stop.

Tuesday, Penny and Subway Boy went out for drinks, played pub trivia, and were mutually mediocre at pool.

Wednesday, Subway Boy asked Penny if she had plans for the weekend; they set a date for Friday night.

Thursday, Penny received the following picture message:

Woo?

Greek salad. Soooooo much Greek salad.

Friday, Penny had a “family emergency”. (Because it is always too soon for pictures of your food.)

Happy Hour Topics of Conversation – 3.8.13: More Meaningless Chatter

8 Mar

Below is a roundup of the articles out this week making broad, sweeping generalizations in the name of journalism and page views, but mostly page views. Grab your cosmos, ladies. You’re gonna need them.

(Relatively normal twenty-something women, BEWARE: reading these articles may cause serious side effects including excessive drinking; scoffing; choking on your own spit while scoffing; existential bewilderment that there is apparently a parallel universe of other “relatively normal twenty-something women” who aren’t like you at all and perhaps you are not, as you previously thought, relatively normal; snorting latte through your nose if you happen to be drinking a latte; chocolate fits; giggle fits; giggle-chocolate fits; paleness because it’s March and you don’t get spring break anymore; nausea and vomiting.)

  • Feminist is a dirty word (again!). (Slate)
  • Why does no one like Female CEOs even though we want more of them? (The New Yorker) ((Ok, this article is fine and not at all grasping for page views, apologies.))
  • Residual guilt from the Patriarchy collides with new wave of post-Feminism guilt resulting in shame over desire to fulfill basic human needs! (The Atlantic, Slate)
  • Introverted little girls need heroines, too! (The Atlantic)

Mostly I blame The Atlantic and Slate. Don’t we have better things to do than needlessly categorize each other, ladies? Drink, discuss, be happy!

Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter [The Office Kitchen]

28 Feb

If that study (surprising precisely no one, btw) that came out last week about how your work coffee mug is a “cesspool” of germs due to the incalculably gross number of bacteria on office sponges didn’t convince you the office kitchen should have a sign over the door a la the gates of Dante’s Hell, I give you the following evidence:

Not five minutes ago, I walked into the kitchen to refresh my water from the Brita (which, I don’t even want to think about the germs, so please refrain from commenting). La la la la la not thinking about germs, please don’t let there be too many awkward people in OH MY DEAR ZEUS. PLEASE tell me he is not BRUSHING HIS TEETH in the KITCHEN SINK?!

To this I have but one thing to say:

THERE ARE BATHROOMS. Kindly use them for being disgusting.

GLASS SHARDS EVERYWHERE.

19 Feb

I love living alone. It’s awesome. I’m pretty sure I wear pants 70% less often than most people. But despite the overwhelming “pros” there are some undeniable “cons” to being your only roommate. Choking or slipping in the shower used to top the list, and Jack agrees that my fears are rational:

~~

But a new danger is upon us. We here at P&P believe the same culprit is behind these frightening cases, their motive obviously being to eliminate all sad, solitary, dieting women by inciting slow death through internal bleeding.

Glass shards were first found in mushroom ravioli Lean Cuisines, and now in Special K Red Berries cereal. Watch out comrades, our probiotic yogurt is likely next.

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