Penny: Have I told you about Latte Boy?!
Aspiring Lawyer Friend: Nooooooooo.
Penny: Well, he works at my Starbucks and he makes good coffee and he wrote his number on my cup today!
ALF: What’s his last name?
Penny: I don’t know, why?
ALF: When you get it, send it to me. Immediately.
ALF: Just DO IT. (Also, !!!! Exciting!)
Penny: I was wondering when we’d get to the !!!!
Sunday Evening, after the date
Penny: His last name is “Boy”.
ALF: On it.
Penny: On what?
ALF: Ok, he has a traffic violation in [STATE]…
Penny: OHMYZEUS YOU ARE NOT DOING WHAT I THINK YOU’RE DOING
ALF: OK. I found something slightly disconcerting but I’m not 100%.
ALF: But I’m like 99%.
ALF: And it’s really important so txt me back asap or go on Skype.
Penny: Ok. Call me. Driving.
ALF: Ok. Now I’m 100%. Don’t worry he didn’t kill anyone.
Penny: hahahahhahahah good to know
Phone rings over bluetooth because Penny’s car is AWESOME
ALF: He’s divorced.
Penny: No. NO. I refuse to believe it. He’s [OUR AGE]!
ALF: I checked and double-checked. This is the same guy as the traffic violation, and that guy is definitely Latte Boy – address, name, age all line up.
Penny: Oh, well. He was in a band anyway.
Monday, date recap
Circe: He’s divorced?!
Polly: He’s divorced?!
Everyone Else: He’s divorced?!
Penny: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd this is why ALF doesn’t mess around. Anyone have names you want her to run??
Circe: I do!
Polly: I do!
Everyone Else: I do!
Penny: Anyway, he didn’t pass the vocabulary test.
Circe: Vocabulary test?
Penny: Yea! I sneak in a big word in such a way that my date has to respond, letting me know whether or not he understood the meaning. Last night’s word was esoteric.
Penny: Sigh, whatever. These things are important! I can’t be worried about editing my vocabulary during sexy times.
Circe: Uhh. Esoteric doesn’t…? Ummm.
Penny: Have you READ Fifty Shades???!? Esoteric most certainly DOES belong in the bedroom.