Tag Archives: weddings

The DOs and DON’Ts of Bridal Etiquette, by the Reluctant MOH.

5 Aug

I survived Bridezilla and all I got was this passive-agressive blog inspiration. Do research convenient accommodations for your out-of-town guests.

Do not plan bachelorette, rehearsal, and wedding events in opposite parts of the city and leave your guests to navigate Orbitz without recommendations.

Do find a season and venue appropriate bridesmaids dress.

Do not ask your bridesmaids to wear floor-length, dark blue gowns at an outdoor ceremony in August in tropical Florida.

Do find suitable alternatives for any expecting bridesmaids.

Do not expect all of your bridesmaids to wear the same unflattering maternity dress regardless of differing states of fertility.

Do select attendants who can easily and affordably attend all associated events.

Do not foist the responsibilities of Maid of Honor on your childhood friend living eight states away.

Do graciously accept any and all gifts the guests choose to bestow.

Do not include a request in your invitation that all gifts be in the form of dollar dollar billz.

OR Do not act surprised when a thoughtful card is filled with US Airlines, Orbitz, David’s Bridal, and Party City receipts.

Do focus on having a few nicely done aspects of the reception.

Do not provide guests with plastic serving ware, skimp on the favors, AND ask them to “Please Help Yourselves!” at the LIQUOR TABLE because all of your joint savings went to the 6k diamond rock.

Do be sure you want to be emotionally and financially chained to your fiance.

Do not cry on the phone weeks before your wedding to your MOH about how you will go through with the ceremony but maybe not get the marriage license because “divorces are expensive.”

Do have a relationship where if you cannot at least agree on non-negotiables (term c/o Patti Stanger) like gender equality and religion, you can talk about them.

Do not lie to your fiance about major life-altering decisions you’ve made in the past because you’re worried that with his close-minded, patriarchal upbringing he won’t understand a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body.

Do make sure your wedding date isn’t during an annual season of natural disasters.

Do not simply cross your fingers and hope that this summer, weather will suddenly behave in a peaceful manner most out of character for the Gulf of Mexico.

Do adhere to as many of the above common courtesies as possible.

Do not direct a sideways glance at your MOH when, after you’ve neglected each and every one of the above suggestions, she brings her own oversized beach bag to carry out her unlimited salad and breadsticks at your hastily thrown together rehearsal dinner.

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MOH Adventures – Getting the dress.

2 Nov

One of my oldest, dearest, closest friends is getting married this summer. The venerable distinction, Maid of Honor, has been lovingly bestowed upon… me. This title usually requires a great deal of work and involvement, but for my nearest and dearest I will gladly sacrifice sleep and manicures in the name of lurrrrrrve.

Fortunately for me, my sleep, my opinion of this “engagement”, and the hypothetical manicure I would love to hypothetically maintain, my friend is a lovable control freak with a very clear vision – most of the planning is finished, and she doesn’t even have the ring yet (to be clear: the engagement ring; she doesn’t yet have the engagement ring) ((ugh, long story; see earlier opinion)).

Living several states away, I missed the bridal party party back in June where everyone tried on bridesmaids dresses and drank champagne and joked about mothers-in-law. The fact that I’ve put off buying my MOH dress this long is more than a tad indicative of my feelings towards this union in general. But whether or not I support the marriage, I do support my friend’s decisions and want to be there for her on the big day. So this morning (hooray for Sandy-related extended work closures!) ((and my island of electricity)) I’ll be sucking up my opinions, dragging myself to David’s Bridal, and trying on the royal blue maternity prom nightmare she picked out. (They make these things hideous on purpose.)

Truthbomb? I have terrible luck and part of me is hoping that only after I drop $200 to buy this thing and have it altered to accomodate my unusual dimensions so I can’t return it ever, there will be some explosive breakup and the whole thing will be over. So stay tuned for a recounting of my reluctant MOH adventures.

Another one bites the dust

24 Sep

We’ve started on the upslope of the Engagement Bell Curve.

(Goodbye, June weekends until I turn 35. We had some good times.)

Actually, the more I think about it… this whole engagement and marriage thing is probably more of a sinusoidal function. See figure below.

I Catchphrased the Catchphrase!

22 Aug

I’ve never tried to hide the fact that I love awful television. Especially awful television about wedding dresses. I’ve spent many a Friday evening texting a running commentary on Say Yes to the Dress with Molly. “Does this princess really think those fake tears will get the dress down $3000?!” Then they came out with the spinoffsSay Yes to the Dress Atlanta, now with 60% more sass! All for it. Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids Edition? Loved it.Can’t get enough of that eyerolling. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (and it’s American cousin) are beautiful train wrecks of sparkles and toothless uncles.

Randy to the Rescue is a relatively new addition and might be the Best Thing Ever. Randy, the world’s most wonderful bridal consultant, hits the road to bring Klienfeld’s to middle America. Awesome. I even embraced his new slogan and cheerfully recited it with the television as women were made over from Head to Hem. I just want him to be my friend.

But TLC, I was just starting to forgive you for 7 years of programming based on impractically large families. Then you did it again. You crossed the line. The wedding dress shows have gone too far. And I really can’t handle another catchphrase. Especially one that doesn’t really rhyme. I Found the Gown. Commence groans. While I applaud the effort to show brides on a budget, TLC might consider clearing out their closet before introducing any new inventory. And for the love of Zeus, please no more catchphrases.

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