She did not.
Cast of Characters
Penny – Narrator
Super-Extrovert – Penny’s friend who cannot understand that Penny doesn’t like to be around other people all the time and forces her into social situations.
Civilian – That guy who was really good at dates last year and whom Penny met at another such dinner.
Girlfriend – Super-Extrovert’s friend from college who is dating Civilian’s best friend and roommate.
Disapproving Mother – Civilian’s roommate’s mother and Girlfriend’s supposed future MIL.
In which Penny finds herself the object of gossip…
I glanced down the table and immediately wished I hadn’t.
Now, I probably spend more time convinced that people are talking about me than people actually spend engaged in discussions of my utterly fascinating person, but Monday evening my observations of the pair at the opposite end of the table could not have been more affirming of my regular self-absorption.
Still, I’d looked and I couldn’t very well un-look, so I might as well keep looking at the girlfriend of the best friend of the guy I’d gone on a few dates with over a year ago as she whispered in her boyfriend’s mother’s ear all the sordid details of my callous and cold treatment of their beloved young man, currently deployed as a civilian in Afghanistan.
Oof. Continue reading
made last night by the restaurant that prepared my to-go taco salad about my eating preferences.
The company I work for is nice enough to provide us with dinner when we work overtime. But [LOCAL MEXICAN EATERY], please kindly be aware of the following:
- I do not want to eat my salad one ingredient at a time.
- I do not want to follow up a forkful of cilantro with a few bites of pure onion.
- I do not want to wait til the bottom of the bowl to get to my soggy black beans.
And if my salad must be prepared this way in the interest of delivering our meals in a timely manner, then please note that as I attempt to evenly distribute the contents of my fatally overstuffed taco salad bowl:
- I do not want to spill the bowl’s contents onto the floor of my supervisor’s office and diffuse a Tacobellian aroma that will stubbornly not leave the carpet despite being doused with an entire bottle of Febreze.
“Can I buy you dinner sometime? Not to mince words- I mean a bona-fide date.”
Thank you, Oxford Comma, for being eloquent, charming, straightforward, and everything that people like Persy aren’t. And he’s handsome. Oh, is he handsome.
But folks. What is this “date” of which Oxford Comma speaks?
YES, I’ve gotten dressed up to go out to a nice dinner, I’ve gone to the movies on several occasions without paying for my ticket, I’ve missed all the commuter trains back home while lingering on the top of the Empire State Building, and I’ve spent heaps of time with the opposite sex unchaperoned. But I haven’t really had a date before the relationship was declared.
High School lets-cuddle-in-this-corner-while-the-rest-of-our-friends-play-Mario-Kart dates are long gone. College come-to-my-dorm-to-check-out-this-cult-film-and-order-Chinese dates are fading. I’m a grown up! And I’m going on a grown up date! And I have absolutely no idea how to handle myself. Continue reading
Back when I was living with Circe on Aeaea we ran into some sailors with really unique… aspirations.
These are their texts.
SMS Adventures with Unfortunately Smug Sailor 1
USS1: Hey, it’s USS1. I had a really great time last night. You seem like a really cool girl. Could you read my essay for me?
Penny: Sure. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
USS1: Thanks! Ur awesome.
Penny: Mmmhm. When do you need it by?
USS1: Oh, like wed so i can make final revisions?
Penny: Ok. I’ll look at it tonight.
USS1: Great! I really want to take u to dinner.
Two hours later
USS1: So, how’s that essay coming?
Penny: I can’t look at it until tonight. I have work.
USS1: Oh, right. Well, could you look at it sooner than later? Continue reading