Tag Archives: texting

They do exist!

1 Jul

Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to present to you proof that the men in Penny’s mind do exist. She and Circe met a vest-wearing specimen this weekend – in a bar of all places.

Exhibit A, texts from Saturday night.

Penny: It was nice meeting you! Thanks for coming to [BAR] with us, despite the lack of DJ.
Vest: It was nice meeting you. Maybe we can get together soon and have a drink.
Penny: Love to! Hope you find your friends… Sorry we had to leave.
Vest: Yea I’m with them now.
Vest: We can discuss game theory over a gin and tonic… or some other intellectual conversation. It’s so rare to find a woman who is attractive but not dull…
Penny: Funny you should say that. I was just thinking the same about men.
Vest: Agreed. The average “modern” man is troglodyte.
Penny: And the women merely Paleolithic?
Vest: No. Just misinformed, I suppose. I can only speak for myself, but I’m into a different type of woman than most guys.
Penny: Good.
Vest and Penny have a date for Tuesday night. We’ll keep you updated!

He does exist. They DO exist! *mutual swooning*


4 Apr


The texts

Circe (SMS): 8pm is fine, the awesome karaoke starts at 9:30 so hope you’re preparing a song.

How I wanted him to respond, without missing a beat:

Nye-al* (SMS): I’m actually taking off the next 2 days of work to practice my falsetto in preparation for my panty-dropping rendition of ‘I Believe a Thing Called Love’.

How he actually responded, 12 hours later:

Nye-al (SMS): Ha. I had already forgotten that it’s a karaoke place. Thanks for the heads up. See you there!

Continue reading

When he won’t stop texting

20 Mar

(Or, apparently Drunk Penny makes quite the impression.)

Strapping Marine (SMS): What’s up Penny? This is Strapping Marine, we met in [CITY] about a month ago. You were awesome, I’m back in town, we should hang out.

Penny: Circeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <<huge breath> eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Circe: Yes, Penny?

Penny: Apparently the ignored texts and unreturned voicemail weren’t enough of a hint. Strapping Marine is back in town. I don’t have to respond, right? This is ridiculous. Wait. Can we go somewhere for the weekend?


In which Penny gets the check

5 Nov

It’s the first Saturday in November and MMF has lasted longer than most of his predecessors, but quite long enough in Penny’s estimation. She moved their tentative date from her city to his, made it for lunch, and established a convenient quick getaway in the form of her parents’ desperately desiring her company and needing someone to pick up a quart of milk. “Skim, pls.”

[fade-in on Penny, lazing about her parents’ living room in front of the fire reading none other than Anna Karenina because she might as well give something a thirty-fifth chance today…]

MMF (SMS): It’s because I let you pay for lunch, isn’t it?
Penny (SMS): Hahahah no. It is not because you let me pay.
MMF (SMS): I can’t help second-guessing. Did you remember the milk?
Penny (SMS): I did… I forgot how much I hate Wegmans’ parking lot. And don’t second-guess yourself. This is not on you.
MMF (SMS): Well… if you want to talk about it, let me know.

[cue: College Football Theme Music (because that’s what was on TV)((because it is Saturday in America))]

Daddy: What’s that look for?
Penny: Recounts textversation.
Mom: Which one is this, again? Is this that coffee boy?? I feel badly for him, but I’m glad you used us as an excuse this weekend! Continue reading

The Engagement Call (Or, You Could Have Let Facebook Tell Me)

23 Oct

Monday evening finds Penny at the gym listening to Florence and the Machine on repeat while she “lifts” and covertly ogles Gym God.

Her phone rings, interrupting the Flo, the screen lighting up with the name of a college roommate. A college roommate who fell off the face of the earth and into the gravity-defying realm of L-O-V-E round about, oh, four years ago now.

This phone call can mean only one thing, and that thing will require all of Penny’s acting skills honed in High School plays.

OHMYGODCONGRATULATIONSTHATSSOAWESOMEHOWDIDITHAPPEN?!!!!!!!!! Said her voice with multiple exclamation points as she shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger.

Penny (Mass SMS): HOLY F***. HAVE YOU HEARD?
Polly (SMS):
Heard what?
Circe (SMS):
I am already mentally inventorying my wine rack and trying to remember where I stashed The Notebook.

Polly (SMS):
Heard WHAT?! WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THE WORLD ON FIRE?? DID THE APOCALYPSE COME??? (And, if so, why do we still have cell phone service?)
Penny (SMS):
She f***ing CALLED me. CALLED ME.
Polly (SMS):
Circe (SMS):
Me too. ME. TOO. I guess I have to return her voice mail…
Polly (SMS):
Circe (SMS):
He proposed to her in the [COLLEGE CHAPEL].
Penny (SMS):
Excuse me while I go throw up.
Polly (SMS):
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? GUYS. I am starting to sound like an OWL.  
Circe (SMS):
I can’t believe she CALLED us.
Polly (SMS):
Penny (SMS):
I know! Especially after the way she broke up with us senior year.
Circe (SMS):
For serious.
Penny (SMS):
I mean, really. She wanted to give me back my “things”?? Used batteries?! A questionably clean dish rag?!! (Though I was kinda pleased to get back that Command Strip hook. Those things are useful).
Polly (SMS):
Ewwwww. They’re engaged!? She CALLED TO TELL YOU? That’s bridesmaid territory. 
Penny (SMS):
Do not even joke about that. Do you hear me, Pol? That is not funny.
Circe (SMS):
Should I go with red or white?

(Ed. Note: None of the editrixes of this site desire that someone “put a ring on it” anytime in the near future. (Maybe ever, if the editor in question is Penny.) We would, however, appreciate it if our friends stopped getting married and having babies, reminding us of the inevitable forward march of time.)

For further anti-marrieds angst from a funny, single lady, please see: #MyFriendsAreMarried.

When your ex texts

5 Oct

After two months of radio silence.

Poopface (SMS): Good morning Penny! Have a great day!



Three Consciences is a Crowd

10 Sep

Polly’s Dating Advice: Don’t schedule a first date at a time when most of your ladyfriends are drinking without you.

Preface: My date was LOVELY and Oxford Comma was a GENTLEMAN and my HONOR was not COMPROMISED and I LOVE my FRIENDS but they can CALM DOWN SOMETIMES.

Texts from my Collective Consciences:

Molly: How’s it going? We wanna knowwwwwwwwwww.
Molly: Love BFFL-1, BFFL-A, and me.
Molly: Heeellllooooooooooooo.
Molly: BFFL-A is mad at you/really happy for you.
Molly: BFFL-1 says she better not beat you to your apartment tomorrow afternoon.
Molly: I say “Ssssssllllluuuuuuttttttt” but facetiously.
Molly: Take it slow, woman!
Molly: Said the good shoulder angel.
BFFL-1: Consensus says kiss goodnight, walk away, TAKE IT SLOW.
Molly: Youuuuuuu don’t do anything I wouldn’t!
Molly: Again, kiss goodnight, walk away, take it slow say your three best friends.
BFFL-A: Even though you didn’t tell me anything I’m jumping on the badwagon and saying TAKE IT SLOW. Enjoy the romance!
BFFL-1: Stay with one of us tonight! BFFL-A has a whole extra bedroom.
Molly: Pollyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
BFFL-A: Stay at my place tonight :)
Molly: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Continue reading

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