Things women should (apparently) do at a bar

25 Feb

Moving has been good for my social life.

Moving has not, however, significantly altered my personality, ingrained habits, or genetic traits. Sober Penny is a feminist, and Sober Penny is also an introvert whose entire family crosses their arms and legs on the reg. (Note: I was sober by choice, but also because one thing Drunk Penny does not do is drive and it was raining; hence, Sober Penny could be found, arms crossed, in a bar at 1 am last Saturday night.)

Exhibit A: Exhortations to smile

I’m soooooo terribly sorry, drunk dude at the bar, that my I’m-sober-in-a-bar-at-1am face doesn’t meet your standards for Pleasing Object On Which To Gaze (And Potentially Maul With My Tongue).

Exhibit B: Exhortations to uncross my arms

I’m sober. In a bar. At one in the morning. I subsequently do not have a drink in my hand and would prefer not to have your fermented breath anywhere near my face. Sorry I’m not sorry for standing comfortably and being quietly amused behind my stony mask of indifference while you play out ancient and extremely uninhibited mating rituals with my decidedly less-sober friends.

Exhibit C: Intimations that I should stand up less straight

My mother and deportment teachers (not to mention Maggie Smith) would be horrified. Good posture is never amiss.

Exhibit D: Again with the “Smile!”

Please do not touch my face. You touched my face. DID YOU NOT SEE MY CROSSED ARMS? I am FINE. I am (or was) actually amused and having a grand time smirking at all of the drunk people. Some people don’t have happy faces. I don’t have a happy face, ok?! Not okay? Well TOO FUCKING BAD. Frowny face. All night. Right here.

***

Sober Penny in the bar really did have a grand time, however.

Sober Penny met the real-life incarnation of Elle Woods’ douchey ex-boyfriend (I kid you not – looked just like him and made sure that the purchasing of rounds was equally distributed, down to the last splash of Tangueray). She completely annihilated a cocky Naval officer with her ready wit (payback’s a bitch, ain’t she?). She met a handsy Brazilian who didn’t seem to care whether he was hands-on with Penny or Circe. Brazil’s thankfully less-handsy (with Penny, at least) friend recited an entire monologue from Romeo and Juliet (with only understandable mistakes) and told an awesome story about jumping out of a plane with no parachute (“And then I woke up” is the new “And then I found twenty dollars). There was an extremely (EXTREMELY) handsome Army Captain. Blackmail photos of Circe and the Brazilian and College Roommate and Shakespeare…

All-in-all, Sober Penny went to a bar and had a lovely time and didn’t make out with anyone. (Her number was, however, solicited; the crossed arms cannot have been that much of a turn off).

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2 Responses to “Things women should (apparently) do at a bar”

  1. Molpadia (Molly) February 27, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

    Ah, Chronic Bitch Face. It’s a thing. I feel you.

    http://blog.krisatomic.com/?p=1617

    • Penthesilea (Penny) February 27, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

      It really is a thing! Why do I have to outwardly express my emotions for everyone all the time? Sorry I’m not sorry that I don’t think you are owed the extra effort it would take to school my features in a certain, aesthetically pleasing manner at all times.

      P.S. LOVE the comic.

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