The irrational Self-Hate Monster always wins.

3 Apr

The Self-Hate Monster is unbeatable because the Self-Hate Monster is self-sustaining.

Situation: Over the past few weeks I’ve taken on the role of relationship initiator. I text first, I call, I plan, etc. I’m not the person who refuses to reach out if things are feeling unbalanced. If I want to talk to my boyfriend I talk to him. But it still hurts to feel like the only one taking it on.

Self-Hate Monster: Then doesn’t it stand to reason if he wanted to talk to you, he would? If he wanted to see you he’d make plans. It wasn’t always like this. Obviously you’ve done something to make yourself less desirable.

Logical Action: I’ll raise my concerns to Oxford Comma, who is a person of intellect and reason. How can I expect him to understand a problem he doesn’t know I’m having? I know he loves me. Let’s not forget the wonderful birthday party he threw a few scant weeks ago.

Self-Hate Monster Self-Sustenance: This isn’t the first time you’ve had this conversation with a boyfriend. Let’s look for common denominators. OH IT’S YOU. You need to nag someone into caring about you? You want him to text you cute things out of obligation? Well if that kind of relationship makes you happy…

So what do I do? I start logical.

-Can I be awkward for a moment? This has just been on my mind lately.
-I know you care about me but it makes me a bit self-conscious when I’m the one always initiating.
-I’d rather you asked if I wanted to come over than expect me to act upon an open invitation.

So far so good. Until…

-I don’t want you to act differently just because I’m whining!
-No, no, it’s totally fine, I’m the crazy one. I’m sorry.
-I just don’t want to feel like I’m nagging when I call you or I’m intruding when I come over.

Mayday! Mayday! Self-Hate Monster Self-Fulfilling Prophecy! I AM NAGGING ABOUT NAGGING.

The problem is there is no way to win. If everything remains the same, the Self-Hate Monster circles back to the beginning and repeats. If Oxford does hear me and reaches out more often, the Self-Hate Monster will convince me it isn’t genuine. Every text will be accompanied with a tiny pang of guilt for asking to be cared about.

And in my brain I know I should smack the Self-Hate Monster and just be all

But because of whatever that place is that always overrules my brain, I just end up looking in the mirror and thinking

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2 Responses to “The irrational Self-Hate Monster always wins.”

  1. highfiverson April 5, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    ahhhhhhhhh I do this ALLLLLLLL THE TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Is this the Wrench Theory??? I seriously have no idea.

    • Hippolyta (Polly) April 5, 2013 at 11:12 am #

      Ugh, it absolutely IS wrenching! Is there a problem? Sure. Did I do anything but make it 50x worse? Nope.

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