Speak, SMS Muse. I’m begging.

26 Mar

Everyone except Subway Boy knew it was over as soon as he sent that picture of his salad, but Penny was determined to be a less-bitchy version of her normal self and attempt one more date. (Just not on Friday because one can only take so much stupid in one 24-hr period.)

Then life (and Facebook) happened, and Penny determined that one can only take so much stupid. Period.

The only question remaining was how to rid herself of Subway Boy without too many ramifications given their mutual residency in a not too terribly large apartment community. Sunday and Monday both passed blissfully with nary a text from Subway Boy, and Penny let herself feel hope.

This was where she made her fatal error.

Never feel hope.

Subway Boy (SMS): Howdy neighborino. Hope ur feelin better :) [sic]

DEAR ZEUS.

SWEET HERA!

CRUEL FATES…

SING! O, MUSE:

“Well I was until your refusal to acknowledge accepted conventions of the English language made me experience my lunch all over again.”

“Not particularly, nor am I likely to anytime in a future that includes pictures of your food or messages without correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and mechanics (in any and all attempted languages or language amalgamations).”

“Nope. That salad is still giving me figurative indigestion.”

“While I appreciate languages that don’t constrict themselves to gendered prose, if you MUST make up words in Spanish please recognize that I, being female, should be referred to as ‘neighnorinA’.”

“The points you earned for attractiveness and obvious interest don’t make up for the points you lost in pictures of your dinner, double-texting, spelling, emoticons, etc. Sorry, bro.”

“Who is Ur? Are they ok?”

“Ugh, for real? I just had to use [sic] when quoting your text message.”

“This is me not ghosting you. You’re welcome.”

Suggestions? Opinions?? HELP! I’m begging…

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