“Making Mr. Right” …with a side of frustration

15 Feb

Soooooooooooooooo, yesterday was Valentine’s Day.

I am single as single can be, and mostly happy with this… except at family gatherings where everyone else is paired off and I have to talk to the weird uncle or the old maid cousin. Also except on holidays and occasions where society reminds me that preferring to be alone is abnormal and one can insinuate, therefore, that something is wrong with me.

Still, Valentine’s Day… whatev’.

My very special plans included: work, gym, leftovers and being handy while watching a truly horrible Lifetime movie because sometimes horrible can be wonderful.

My very special plans did not include being handy taking the better part of 90 minutes. It should not take NINETY MINUTES to build a desk, you guys. There were only 8 pieces! EIGHT. Eight doesn’t even divide evenly into 90.

Laugh all you want, but I am usually the boss of assembling cheap, packaged furniture. I whip out those directions, interpret the pictures and BAM!, furniture.

Last night? Not so much.

After snarkily evaluating the fitness center full of sad, single women, one hot guy who obviously cares more about the gym than anything else and one sad, lonely man, I returned to my new abode to heat up some of Mamma Penny’s lasagne and get down to business.

Lasagne? Delicious.

Desk? Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This doesn't look so difficult, really.

This doesn’t look so difficult, really.

The instructions were the same on EVERY SINGLE PAGE. Every. Single. Page. (The diagrams in which all of the hardware looked the same, however, did change with each step. Helpful.)

1. Insert the wooden pegs, and gently tap down. But ONLY halfway. If you insert them more than halfway horrible things will happen to shoeless children in Africa.

2. Screw in the metal piece that goes with the fancy lock system we only sort of explained on page six.

3. Lock by turning the washer/bolt thingy from the fancy lock system until it…. locks.

So clear! THANK YOU!

I’m at a loss to explain why they bothered labeling any of the pieces when all you need are three simple instructions! No need to explain which pieces go with what or which of the similarly sized holes goes with the wooden pegs and which with the screws. It’s fucking obvious, right?

And, hey! I’m a grown-ass single woman; I do not need a man (or an engineering degree) to build a damn desk for my new apartment while watching Lifetime movies and congratulating myself for not purchasing cookie dough on the way home.

This is the last time I will purchase furniture from Target. From here on out it’s either already assembled because it’s legit/expensive or from IKEA with directions in Swedish.

Slowly, but surely, I will get rid of the boxes.

Slowly, but surely, I will get rid of the boxes.

Also, I highly recommend “Making Mr. Right” on the LMN.


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