When your ex… Gets fresh with a Best Friend

18 Jan

haha not.

Collegiate alumni event tomorrow evening. Preceded as always by awkward attempts at making plans.


Thebes:  24 hours.

Prepare yourself.

 Penny:  For mediocre wine? I’ve long since become resigned.

Thebes:  I have low expectations – that’s why I rented a luxury hotel room for myself. I plan on retiring from the soiree early on, and luxuriating in my hot tub.

Penny: Not ok!
Polly: I’m… glad he’s talking to people?
Penny: Wait! There is more.

Thebes:  Preferably with a SUPERIOR glass of wine. Because yes, fermented grapes and superheated bathwater are a great combination.

Penny: ?!?!?!??!??!?!!!!!!!!!! http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/1333909320_72472619_disgusted_gif.gif
Polly: Ok yeah.
“I’m going to be drinking alone in my sweatwater. WhaddaYOUdoin?”
Penny: WHAT DO I SAY TO THIS INAPPROPRIATENESS??? I take it you are against me saying, “Hmmm. Yes, so I saw on your Facebook status to which we all pointedly didn’t respond. Twice.”

Thebes:  Nostalgia? Check. Hallucinations? Check.

 Penny:  Probably should get absinthe for the hallucinations. Never had that problem with wine.

Polly: There you go, deflect from the bath conversation.
Penny: Sweet Jesus I am uncomfortable. Are you SURE that I have to be nice to him this weekend, because I really would rather…
Polly: He’s not that baddddddddddd. Perhaps his ability to pick up on social cues is negligible but he’s not going to ATTACK you. Unless you’re dancing too close to his flailing arms.
Penny: Either he has regressed socially or I’ve become less tolerant since you’re no longer a package deal.

Thebes:  I have absinthe, and it’s DEPLORABLE.

 Penny:  I wouldn’t know, but I do believe it is best with a little heated sugar. 

Thebes:  Do you reside in [CITY]? Or are you inbound from out-of-town?

 Penny:  I live in [OTHER CITY], so in-bound.

 Thebes:  Well, despite the disappointments that may await us in our steadily worsening alma mater, I look forward to our reunion.

I’ll see you there!

 Penny:  Indeed.

Polly:  PENNY
 HAHAHHAHAHAHAH What did he say?
“Just made the mistake of trying to say hello to Penny. Now feeling the need to brush my teeth.”
Hahahah why does he feel like he needs to brush his teeth?
Penny:  Icily polite wins again! But, really. From moi?! Well, perhaps if he DIDN’T TELL ME ABOUT HIS HOT TUB.
Also, I will love you FOREVER if you respond with, “Well, perhaps she (rightly) found your discussions of hot tubs and wine and being alone and practically begging her for company inappropriate.”
No, I can’t. Because then he’ll know his conversations with us aren’t private, and then we’ll never be able to laugh at him like this again because he’ll stop. Here we go: 

Thebes – “Hello” would have sufficed.
Polly – Well what did she say? “Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!”?

Penny:  Hahahahah you know exactly what I said.
I know. I want to know what he says you said.
 Ahhhhhhhhh I can’t wait. I hope I was SUPER bitchy. This is TOO GOOD. Are we sure this is happening?
This is an interesting experiment for me. Just how manipulative are you, Thebes Dear? To what depths will you stoop?
It’s interesting to me, too. I wonder… does he understand how often we talk?
I don’t think he does… Obviously.

(40 minutes later) Still no response. Typical. The situation began with such promise and ends up being a total disappointment.


Penny: Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to leave me alone tomorrow night.
Circe: DITTO. (See pasted Facebook message below)

Dearest Circe,

I’ve heard, from a certain little birdie, that you’ll be in attendance at [ALUMNI EVENT] this weekend. I look forward to drunkenly hitting on you and yelling about how great I think my shoes are so you’ll notice how sharp I look.


Cocky Bastard

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