Snark break: Acceptable footwear for the gym

21 Dec

I am, as of 7:03 p.m. EST on Thursday, Dec. 20, 2012, officially crushless.

Why?

This. THIS is why.

Yup. Gym God sauntered past me last evening wearing a pair of those FiveFingers barefoot running “shoes”. Inside. At the gym.

Just to be clear, wearing the above shoes is the 21st century equivalent of…

Wearing a dress so wide you have to walk through doors sideways. (Empress Elizabeth 1 of Russia, 18th Century)

Eating gluten-free even though you don’t have Celiac disease

Sooooooooo… not tasty.

Saying your favorite show is Homeland, Mad Men, or…

The Hour

Reading headlines, not…

You, know… the actual book.

He’s just so pretty, though.

I wish I had a stalker picture to convey to you how attractive this man is, but let’s just say that referring to him as the embodiment of the golden ratio (from perfectly sculpted facial features to broad muscular shoulders to tapered hips and those cut lines on his lower abdomen all the way down to his undoubtedly perfect feet… if you liked feet, which I don’t) would not be an exaggeration.

He should be inviolably attractive. He was inviolably attractive.

But then he had to go and wear those damn shoes.

I need a moment.

I am subsequently no longer capable of taking his attractiveness seriously because, really, who wears those shoes inside to run short distances on the treadmill? (He did, at least, apparently have a pair of actual tennis shoes with him for the lifting of weights. Can you imagine dropping one of those very, very heavy weights – he lifts very, very heavy things with his broad, broad shoulders… swoon – on your foot that is clad in naught but a glorified sock?)

To answer my own question:

1. Terribly unfit people who think that having the latest, very expensive fad in exercise footwear is going to either inspire or imbue them with immediate muscle tone. (FYI – it doesn’t, but it DOES make you look silly and ill-informed because these shoes were meant for long distance runners, not middle-aged moms on elliptical machines.) ((There’s this one guy who wears them with socks. SOCKS! Ahahahhahahaha.))

2. The legit long distance runner who has succumbed to the weather and is reluctantly using a treadmill. (HA ahahahhaha just kidding! This person does not exist at the gym. Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail… etc.)

3. The gym rat who is also easily seduced by the latest fitness trends, but mostly because working out and reading about working out and thinking about working out and figuring out how to work out more consumes his life. (Insert sneaking suspicious about Gym God here.)

And so my crush has been crushed by this undeniable evidence of Gym God’s lack of judgment and, quite likely, intelligence.

Farewell, Gym God. It’s been good not getting to know you.

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2 Responses to “Snark break: Acceptable footwear for the gym”

  1. highfiverson January 7, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

    DANGIT!!!! I was pulling for him!!! will you take a stalker pic anyways???

    oh and I could not agree more on the finger sock shoes!!!! and CROCS!??!?!?! amirite?!?!

  2. Can I Get ur Number?? January 7, 2013 at 4:16 pm #

    Reblogged this on Can I Get Ur Number? and commented:
    Our blog friends, Penny and Polly, always speak to truth into my heart! I love blogs with recurring characters and am so sad Gym God is no longer on the radar but could not support the decision more. Sock shoes and crocs are definite grounds from crush removal.
    -S

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