Penny and Polly
Multiple Somewheres, USA
30 November 2012
600 E. Court Avenue
Des Moines, IA 50309
To whom it may concern:
We respectfully submit the following as evidence supporting our request for entrance into your esteemed organization despite our lamentable lack of years per the DOBs listed on the attached supporting documentation.
Years, we contend, have been mistakenly categorized as solely quantifiable since the invention of the modern calendar. This categorization misses entirely the presence of qualified aspects associated with advanced years in those members of our society whose calendar years belie their natural inclinations toward quiet evenings; sage mutterings; and a general bemoaning of the cold, lack of appreciation amongst the current crop of whippersnappers, and how often this newfangled technology demands to be updated.
Our overarching crotchetiness and sincere need for early bird dinner discounts is just as great as that of our octogenarian peers. Hence part of our decision to fashion our online monikers from the names of timeless mythological women. We defy standard categorization!
We can hear your scoffing exclamations of “balderdash!”, but hark! A bulleted list in large print font for easy reading.
For your consideration:
Penny’s plans this Friday evening after returning home from work and the gym include heating tea, writing out her Christmas cards, and watching sappy Hallmark Holiday movies until bedtime around 9:30 pm.
Polly ran out of chamomile this week and had a fit as it was too late to go to the grocery store to replenish her supply. Not because the grocery store was closed. But because it was dark and she didn’t want to catch cold.
Penny’s radio presets are programmed in the following order: News radio with traffic and weather on the eights, NPR, NPR Classical Music, Nod to current radio with ok traffic, Nod to current radio with some hipster djs, Random Classical music station.
Oxford Comma – So are we getting tickets to the midnight premier of The Hobbit?
Polly – No.
Oxford Comma – But you’re so excited for it! You love Tolkien!
Polly – I’m not so excited I can’t wait until Friday evening to see it after a good night’s sleep.
We both subscribe to the New Yorker. Penny reliably reads it from cover-to-cover. Polly reads it when she expects to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. (Anyone know where prune juice is on sale this week?) ((Nvmd. I found a coupon in the circular.))
Polly’s planning on using her Saturday to spend money she doesn’t have to finish up her Christmas shopping, a skill she undoubtedly learned from her Nana.
Penny is going to spend her Saturday spending money she does have finishing up her Christmas shopping with a side dish of judgmental people-watching through the windows of Juicy Coutre, et al. That is a shirt, young lady; that is not a dress. (Leggings can be pants when paired with an appropriately lengthed shirt or going to the gym.)
We admit, there was that one weekend when we went out and thought that maybe being our age wasn’t so bad – maybe even fun! But it was just that one weekend, we swear. It did not take long for us to determine that the merits of early to bed, early to rise (Thanks, Benny!) far outweigh a social life with those of our supposed cohort.
We would like to petition you for membership in a new cohort. A cohort more suited to our temperaments and mad bingo skillz.
For further evidence of our qualifications, we point you to:
Please feel free to contact us via our Website. We feel confident in your grandchildren’s ability to help you navigate the contact us page.
Penny and Polly
Amazonian Queens and future members of AARP