When you find the perfect gift… for your ex

26 Nov

I didn’t go Black Friday shopping because I went to yoga instead. (Awesome, btw. I hadn’t been in months because I am a snob and missed my “home” studio and my hamstrings are still complaining.)

I also didn’t go Black Friday shopping because I studied economics undergrad and there is this theory about Opportunity Cost that I just absolutely adore. You’ve heard that there’s no such thing as a free lunch? Well, it’s not because they make you pay to park or whatever; it’s because that free sandwich cost you the falafel you might have purchased from Molly’s falafel boy instead. Well to me the Opportunity Cost involved in Black Friday shopping is far too high. No deal is good enough for me to brave the parking lots, not to mention the purse-wielding couponers.

Besides, my family makes Christmas lists and I have Amazon Prime.

This did not stop me, however, from discovering the perfect gift for Poopface while trailing my fingers along the shelves of Crate & Barrel, giddily imagining my future one-bedroom stone cottage with its terribly elegant, modernized French Country furnishings and its frightfully understated neutral palate with a pop of color here and there in the most unexpected places while I killed a few minutes before happy hour a few weeks ago.

Dear Readers, I have been back to that Crate & Barrel twice since, and I am proud to say that the perfect gift for Poopface is still un-purchased and will likely remain so.

But I want to send it to him.

I want to send it to him SO BADLY I itch.

I have a problem, you see. I hate Christmas and all of the list-making, gift-giving nonsense, but I adore giving someone the perfect gift, no matter the time of year.

And there is no more perfect gift for an aspiring poet who loves word games and has lots of aspiring poet friends with whom he likes to have writing parties than this. I dare you to find one.

Create captivating haikus with a roll of the dice.

In the meantime, I will continue being very confused as to which is my shoulder angel and which is my shoulder demon because shouldn’t gift-giving be good?

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2 Responses to “When you find the perfect gift… for your ex”

  1. Can I Get ur Number?? November 26, 2012 at 2:22 pm #

    OMG did the same thing last christmas… I had ordered a personalized bobble head of my ex for his desk (best gift EVER, right?!?!) except he dumped me on the day he was going to propose and the little bobble head bastard showed up on my doorstep six weeks later. fml.
    I gave the bobble head replica of The Ex to his mom and told her to go ahead and put it under the tree and take credit for the awesome gift… she suggested i just bash its head in the pavement, hahaha love her :) not sure what came of the bobble head, but i caught myself texting a pic to his sister of something he would love for xmas and TOTALLY stopped myself. what is it with these guys and our longing to send them awesome gifts?!?! I feel ya girl.
    -S

    • Hippolyta (Polly) November 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

      Your ex’s mom sounds amazing.

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