Unsolicited ‘Compliments’ from Middle-Aged-to-Old Men

16 Nov

A series of vignettes (because apparently this is a semi-regular occurrence in our lives).

The Wildly Inappropriate Boss

WIB: Circe! Steppin’ it up! You’re actually wearing makeup today? What’s the occasion?
Circe: Ummm I wear makeup every day, it’s just usually kind of basic…
WIB: You know, you’re actually attractive with makeup on.
Circe: And I guess I’m hideous without makeup? Gee thanks.
WIB: See like I’ve been telling you, all you need is a little lipstick and some heels…
Circe: So about this work thing that you should really be attending to…
WIB: What kind of makeup do you wear?
Circe: Um, Bare Minerals but this email we were working on…
WIB: Oh my wife loves that stuff. Are you wearing lipstick or gloss?
Circe: Did you hear that? I think Dad Boss needs me so I’m just gonna go…[starts heading for the hills]
WIB: [Shouting after me] So can we expect this look from now on?
Circe: [Taking refuge in Dad Boss’s Office] Can I help you with anything?
DB: Young lady, you are wearing much too much make up. And where is the rest of your skirt?
Circe: See? That’s how someone your age is supposed to act around me! Thank you!

The Produce Creeper

PC: Are these the only potatoes?
Polly: No, there is another aisle over there. (Points three feet away to a very obvious set up of more potatoes.)
PC: And what brings you to the grocery store on a Friday evening? No hot date?
Polly: My dad is stopping by on his way from [FURTHER SOUTH STATE] to [FURTHER NORTH STATE] and I wanted to make a nice dinner!
PC: How thoughtful! And the boyfriend doesn’t mind?
Polly: WELL I ought to go see about the chicken but it was lovely meeting–
PC: You are a very well spoken and poised young woman.
Polly: Thank you! But I–
PC: Do you know who Barbara Stanwyk is, or am I dating myself? You remind me of her. She had great legs, too.
Polly: [Hides disgust in the name of being polite to this old geezer.] Well Double Indemnity is one of my favorites in the noir genre but really–
PC: So well spoken.
Polly: Right.
PC: You said you needed chicken? Why don’t I head over there with you? I’m a doctor at [BIGTIME MEDICAL UNIVERSITY], you know.
Polly: How interesting.

(This continued for over an hour. I could. not. escape. this 70-something old man. He gave me his business card and invited me to dinner. His 30-something daughter works at WebMD. He used to live in Kentucky but wanted to “make something” of himself. His wife was beautiful and played tennis but then she discovered she was a lesbian in her mid forties and left him. Her partner is still alive but she passed away several years ago. He used to row. Now he likes to sit at the harbor and watch the tour boats go by… When he isn’t harassing women in the produce section.)

The Middle-Aged Coworker (strikes again)

MAC: Where’s your twin? We haven’t seen her around lately!
Penny: My twin? I don’t…
MAC: Yea! You know, the Penny who comes in and you’re just like “WOAH”.
Penny: Ummm…I mean…I don’t really…
MAC: Like, on Fridays for a while you came in and you looked goooood.
Penny: Oh, um… Thanks? It’s Tuesday. [Smooths not-imaginary wrinkle from dress she probably should have ironed but did not.]
MAC: It’s not that you don’t look nice! You always look nice!!
Penny: Mmmm. Thank you? I’m not really sure what to say to this so I’m gonna put the Brita back in the fridge  and go now.


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