Polly’s Resignation from Office

6 Nov

Fast-forward about thirty years. I am the Commander-in Chief, the President of the United States of America, your fearless leader. If this prospect frightens your very soul, your instincts are right on.

My fellow Americans, for the past year and three-quarters I have had the pleasure of serving as your President. During this time, I tried my best to turn the nation’s thoughts and desires into actions. When the nation screamed for an end to war, I strove to maintain peace in our foreign relations. When my countrymen and countrywomen wanted a better economy, I enforced policy to meet that goal. Now, it is clear that the American people want… a new leader. That is why, today, I am resigning from office.

Throughout my short term in office, I was often criticized for my approach to foreign affairs. The country cried out for a peace-loving president set on diplomacy and not militaristic action. I only tried to live up to that expectation. To minimize the possibility of war, I kept America out of the international arena as best I could. Most lines of communication with other nations were terminated completely. With no contact, how could we make other countries angry with us? But my ingenious ideas were not well received by you, the American people, or the rest of the world. To this day, I struggle to understand your objections. Granted, the email sympathy card I sent to Japan on the anniversary of Hiroshima was a bit tasteless, but HEY! An e-card is better than a nuke, right? I mean, no country would want to get hit by a SECOND atomic bo—oh. Right. My apologies for this lapse in basic interpersonal skills.

As for internal affairs, it is possible that I’ve made a few wrong judgments. The economy was in poor shape when I took office. Inflation was through the roof. A gallon of milk was up to $20.95, and that is simply unacceptable. To reduce the economic strain on the American people, I wrote and helped to pass a bill to reduce the rampant inflation. Through what is now jokingly referred to as the What Was She Thinking Bill, all vendors were ordered to reduce the cost of their products by 70%. If the American people don’t want to pay $20.95 for a gallon of milk, they shouldn’t have to! Afterward, I found out that money doesn’t really work that way. In regards to the current depression, the most severe economic decline in our country’s history, again, I offer my sincerest apologies.

After all I tried to accomplish with the economy, I was still criticized for my spending of tax dollars. After vetoing a heath care reform bill on the basis that it was too expensive, I approved a bill that spends $30 billion on giving every woman in the country a five pound chocolate bar every year. My only explanation is that my Aunt Flow was in town for her monthly visit. The red tide was coming in. I got a new bike, the Menstrual Cycle. Catch my drift? At any rate, to the nation’s poor: I’m sorry you never got the heath care you needed. I’m sorry Grandma couldn’t get her hip replacement and little Johnny still has a cleft palate. But are you really going to say no to chocolate?

I suppose before I step down, it would be prudent to address the robot uprising. Honestly, I didn’t foresee how an entirely mechanical armed force could go wrong. My nephew Fred, top of his class at the esteemed County College of Morris, designed a fantastic, unstoppable fleet of robot warriors capable of self-aware conscious thought. Unfortunately I and the rest of my family failed to see that Fred was a ruthless sociopath bent on world destruction. He seemed like such a happy boy. My heart aches for the victims of the robot coup that is still raging today. But I assure you, no one who was captured by the robots, ripped limb from limb, burned to charcoal and then used by the robots as fuel to manufacture more robots will have died in vain! We will use this as a lesson for future generations!  Next time we build an invincible robot army, we will include off-switches. Hopefully the National Guard is making some progress in wiping them out. But I made a LOT of robots so it could be a while. Your patience in this matter is greatly appreciated.

My heart and intentions have been with the American people for each and every second of my term. I wanted to achieve peace in our foreign interactions, have a really freaking cool robot army in case that whole peace thing went wrong, help ease the economic burden on American families, and give everyone a little chocolate to brighten their day. My intentions were pure as gold. My execution of these intentions? Questionable. But I have always believed in the strength of the American people. I know you will pull together the might to get through these hard times. In the meantime, I will ruminate on each of my errors of judgment during my self-imposed exile in Bermuda. Each day, as I lounge on a yacht bobbing through the Sargasso Sea, drinking rum swizzles and sunning myself, I will be tortured by the shambles in which I have left my beloved country. Farewell, America. It’s not you, it’s me.

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