It’s going to be tough, but we’re determined to avoid election coverage this evening. Watching as states light up red or blue while listening to pundits talk about nothing isn’t going to change the outcome. And it’s bad for our blood pressure.
So, beginning with leaving work and continuing until lights out, here’s our handy guide (in no particular order) to avoiding election night coverage. (Warning: We didn’t say this would be easy.)
- First and foremost and most most most importantly: Whatever you do, DO NOT check Facebook, Twitter or Google+ after 6pm EST (does anyone even have Google+ anymore?).
- File your nails.
- Use Google Maps to check the traffic and pop in a CD (or your iPhone, if you’re schmancy like Penny) ((or a cassette, if you’re stone-aged like Polly)) for the ride home. If you are proactive, run out to your car at lunch and take the necessary precautions to avoid hearing even a smidgen of that oh-so-tempting political coverage.
- Get your ass in gear and figure out which graduate programs you are applying to this fall/what your academic goals are/what you want to study/send descriptions of all this, along with appropriately apologetic pleas, to possible academic references whom you really should have contacted in September.
Find a machine at the gym not near a TV. Read a New Yorker from July because any political news will be so outdated it won’t even register.(Scratch that. Don’t even bother going to the gym if your gym is anything like mine: every square inch is covered with TVs. Even the locker room. There are almost as many TVs in there as saggy, old, naked women.)
- Eat dinner not in front of the TV for once.
- Scroll through the desultory options on your DVR still decimated after Hurricane Sandy boredom.
- Wash your hair.
- Pack your lunch.
- Maybe wash your hair again. (You can never be too clean.)
- What’s on Bravo? (This is risky… you might inadvertently scroll past some election coverage and get sucked in. I’ll just see what’s happening and then move on, you think. But no! You will watch and watch and not be able to sleep because it’s like Christmas Eve when you were a child except the Electoral College might really give you a lump of coal.)
- Cut your toenails.
- Build something with the clippings.
- Read a chapter in AK. Put it down because: boring.
- Play Jeopardy! online because it’s not on TV because ELECTION COVERAGE SUCKS ALL THE JOY FROM THE UNIVERSE. (Except don’t get online because checking Facebook is probably something you will do involuntarily and then you will be sucked into the Vortex.)
- Re-watch last week’s episode of The New Girl on hulu because you can’t watch it on Fox because ELECTION COVERAGE SUCKS ALL THE JOY FROM THE UNIVERSE. (Ed. Note: Just watched that last night…it was hilarious, as usual.)
- Hide out in your panic room/bomb shelter and kill 2 birds with one stone: avoid election coverage and stay safe from the Nor’easter/clearly imminent end of the world as we know it.