Penny has been seeking advice re: her continued commitment issues from all quarters and amassed a collection of Wise Counsel:
Penny’s Complaint: He keeps dropping the ball on my flirtatious forays. He’s too serious, and I am bored.
16th Century Doctor: It is not the male’s duty to entertain you, but yours to entertain him, Wench. Hold still while I attach these leeches to your veins and drain away your life’s blood, leaving you weak, feeble and dependent on his seriousness. *Cough* I mean, balance your humors so you become properly submissive and appreciative of intermittent male attention. *Cough* I mean… OH I don’t know what I mean. SIT STILL.
Penny’s Complaint: He is not assertive enough.
Christian Grey: Sorry, Penny. I am taken. (And fictional.) ((And almost definitely emotionally abusive.))
Penny’s Complaint: I like being single.
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (The Rules): Don’t be ridiculous. NO ONE likes being single. You just aren’t playing the game correctly if he’s boring you. Here are some guidelines…
Penny’s Complaint: He’s taking too long, not talking to me enough, and I am indifferent.
18th Century Mother: Just lie back and think of England, darling.
Penny’s Complaint: He’s too nice.
Witch Doctor: Put a lime in the Coke, you nut!
Penny’s Complaint: Paul Simon, I am just so stressed about this. I don’t know how to say “let’s be friends”.
Paul Simon: It’s all inside your head, Penny. There are at least “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”. Let’s take this logically, there’s no need to be coy (Roy). (Ed. Note: OR <26 Ways to Let Down that Guy You’ve Been Seeing)
Penny’s Complaint: He wants to come to [MY CITY] and take me to [SUPER CUTE LEGIT DATE SPOT]. I want to not see him anymore.
Polly: So, here’s the plan: You lance the wound to keep it from bleeding everywhere. Your parents “desperately want to see you this weekend,” which makes [HIS CITY] conveniently on your way to their house. You stop for lunch. You say your spiel. You part friends. You DON’T string him along needlessly just to break his heart later on after he’s bared his vulnerable soul to your
maneating cavernous void beautiful self. (Really, if you just came to me first you could have been spared all of the above nonsense.) ((Why doesn’t anyone ever realize this?))
Penny: And no one drives home sad. Also. There is a song for everything: