The Engagement Call (Or, You Could Have Let Facebook Tell Me)

23 Oct

Monday evening finds Penny at the gym listening to Florence and the Machine on repeat while she “lifts” and covertly ogles Gym God.

Her phone rings, interrupting the Flo, the screen lighting up with the name of a college roommate. A college roommate who fell off the face of the earth and into the gravity-defying realm of L-O-V-E round about, oh, four years ago now.

This phone call can mean only one thing, and that thing will require all of Penny’s acting skills honed in High School plays.

OHMYGODCONGRATULATIONSTHATSSOAWESOMEHOWDIDITHAPPEN?!!!!!!!!! Said her voice with multiple exclamation points as she shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger.

Penny (Mass SMS): HOLY F***. HAVE YOU HEARD?
Polly (SMS):
Heard what?
Circe (SMS):
I am already mentally inventorying my wine rack and trying to remember where I stashed The Notebook.


Polly (SMS):
Heard WHAT?! WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THE WORLD ON FIRE?? DID THE APOCALYPSE COME??? (And, if so, why do we still have cell phone service?)
Penny (SMS):
She f***ing CALLED me. CALLED ME.
Polly (SMS):
Whoooooooooooooo?
Circe (SMS):
Me too. ME. TOO. I guess I have to return her voice mail…
Polly (SMS):
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO????????????
Circe (SMS):
He proposed to her in the [COLLEGE CHAPEL].
Penny (SMS):
Excuse me while I go throw up.
Polly (SMS):
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? GUYS. I am starting to sound like an OWL.  
Circe (SMS):
I can’t believe she CALLED us.
Polly (SMS):
Who?! WHO CALLED YOU?
Penny (SMS):
I know! Especially after the way she broke up with us senior year.
Circe (SMS):
For serious.
Penny (SMS):
I mean, really. She wanted to give me back my “things”?? Used batteries?! A questionably clean dish rag?!! (Though I was kinda pleased to get back that Command Strip hook. Those things are useful).
Polly (SMS):
Ewwwww. They’re engaged!? She CALLED TO TELL YOU? That’s bridesmaid territory. 
Penny (SMS):
Do not even joke about that. Do you hear me, Pol? That is not funny.
Circe (SMS):
Should I go with red or white?

(Ed. Note: None of the editrixes of this site desire that someone “put a ring on it” anytime in the near future. (Maybe ever, if the editor in question is Penny.) We would, however, appreciate it if our friends stopped getting married and having babies, reminding us of the inevitable forward march of time.)

For further anti-marrieds angst from a funny, single lady, please see: #MyFriendsAreMarried.

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