In which Penny has commitment issues, surprises no one

19 Oct

Polly and I have been nursing friend crushes on Sarah and Ryan over at Can I Get Ur Number for a couple months now. Then Ryan posted about wrenching and Sarah admitted to being a wench who wrenches and, well…

Ryan? You are so right. I wrench.

In fact, I am on the cusp of wrenching MMF.

Cue the chorus of Whys from Polly, Circe, et al.

I just honestly like being alone. (I talked a bit about this and liking my life just the way it is a few weeks ago in my post about investing in myself. Was MMF doomed from the start? Who knows.)

Something is wrong when I’m not actively seeking solitude – when I’m purposefully scheduling every minute of the day and leaving no time to just be me with Self.

And I feel that it is worth noting that maybe sometimes we do have real reasons for wrenching: alone, I am at my happiest.

There is a difference between solitude and loneliness that isn’t often addressed in our extroverted society. Society assumes that  anyone who is single or alone or just minding her own business and reading a book outside at lunch doesn’t actually want to be alone. Quite simply, that isn’t true. Luckily for introverts everywhere, introversion has been getting some press lately! Still, the idea that to desire solitude is abnormal persists, especially for women (thank you Cat Lady stereotypes everywhere). But there is nothing wrong with a woman choosing to be alone! (Kate Bolick says so.)

There is, however, something wrong with becoming complacent in singleness and choosing to throw in the wrench and tell a guy “I need to wash my hair” simply because it is easier to be alone.

So, I set down to have a little think-chat with myself.

Self, do we even have a reason for running from MMF? A real reason?

No, Penny, we do not. You like to be alone, but you also like to spend time with him and go to readings and movies with subtitles and have intelligent conversations.

Oh, right, ok… But. Are you sure there isn’t a reason? Like, I’m not doing this just because we’re in our twenties and supposed to have real-people relationships now?

Penny, we never have a reason for this running, except with Latte Boy – then we had Reasons with a capital “R”.

Right, glad we had this little chat.

Anytime; I’m always here, always thinking.

So, no good reason to wrench MMF. But I have lots of not-good reasons to lace up my shoes and run. The same damn not-good reasons that make me end things after date three with every guy who crosses my path. In the words (lyrics, really) of Kate Nash: “And, this, is my mind / It goes over and over / The same old lines”.

The main line? I don’t need him. I like him, but I don’t need him.

Does this make me cold?

Some men in my life have certainly thought so. In high school a boy made me a mix tape. This mix was not Polly’s ideal of a personally representative playlist. Well, not his personality, anyway. Songs included: “Cold Hard Bitch”, “Cold as Ice”, “Ice Ice Baby”, etc…

He was not incorrect.

(Ed. Note: Penny, you can also be caring and, if not precisely tropical, then on the temperate side of glacial! Love, Pol and Circe)

But back to MMF.

Ahem. Excuse me, Penny? Should we take Circe and Polly’s advice to stop thinking and just see where this goes? Is this just a mile-marker we need to get past before we hit a more companionable and less solitary stride? Or do we just like the idea of MMF?

SELF! Why are you making everything confusing again?

We all have our talents, Penny. Let me have mine.

Fine.

Do I like him enough? Is that even a question I can ask myself at this point?

(Yes, you can ask. But we do not know Penny; we do not know.)


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One Response to “In which Penny has commitment issues, surprises no one”

  1. Can I Get ur Number?? October 19, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

    OMG WE HAVE BLOG CRUSHES ON YOU TWO, TOO!!!! I’ll try not to wrench it ;)

    and I guess this doesn’t help, but I’m kind of with you… I think there may be a subconscious wrench we throw for a real reason but we can never pinpoint it. Ryan does it all the time and I call it the unintentional-intentional-self-sabotage. (he likes to think he just wants to hook up with girls all the time, but truth be told I think he’s on a hunt for ‘the one!’ (don’t tell him I said that))

    -S

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