Goodbye, basketball team.

19 Sep

Over the past few highly irregular months, we’ve collected a basketball team of suitors. Latte Boy, MMF(wwIacB), Persy, Work Flirt*, and Oxford Comma might not be destined for the NBA**, but they have paid for a good amount of food and alcohol lately.

The time has come, as the walrus said, to talk of many things… mostly cabbages. Just kidding. Sealing wax. For sure.

Not oysters. No one bought us oysters. Thank, Zeus. (Said Penny, the vegetarian.) Gosh darnit. ((Said Polly, the omnivore.))

ANYWAY.

Now we have a bit of a moral dilemma re: the superfluous men.

Penny needs to find a new Starbucks and Polly needs to be upfront with Work Flirt. And she also probably needs to give you all a little context.

Since that strange weekend where we both did a lot of social things, Polly has been talking to/casually dating Work Flirt AND Oxford Comma. (We guess it wasn’t such a long story.)

But as tends to happen when prospectives are interviewed for an available opening (heh), some candidates stand out above the rest and the others need to be gently let go.

Ghosting is soooooo tempting and also SO RUDE. But – oh! – so tempting.

Though, if we’re tackling this like a job interview, then ghosting probably would be the most accurate continuation of the metaphor. But since we know the sting of sending out resumes and never ever ever ever ever ever ever hearing back, we realize we ought to behave with more tact.

Here’s the thing, though. How do you explain to a guy you’ve only dated one or two or maybe three times that “it’s not you, it’s me,” “there’s someone else that I’m also seeing casually and am not exclusive with but really this is an excuse because you have somehow managed to completely infiltrate my online life and STAY OUT OF MY GOODREADS,” “it just really isn’t a good idea to date at work,” “I can’t keep up with this unrelenting stream of constant IMs”, etc. without actually uttering any banal platitudes, lying, or hurting feelings?

Oh, were you looking for an answer to that rhetorical question? Our apologies.

Ok, ok we’ll try to work it out.

The ABCs of Let-Down Approaches:

  • Apologetic: You’re a really nice guy, and I’ve had a lot of fun with you, but I just don’t think we’re a good match. (This leaves room for argument/attempts to convince you to change your mind.)
  • Blunt: I am not interested in continuing to date you. Have a nice life. (Effective, but bitchy.)
  • Candid: Here is a laundry list of the things I don’t like about you; some are valid, others I made up in my head. (Ouch.)
  • Deprecating, Self- : Here’s a laundry list of all the reasons you shouldn’t want to be with me; some are valid, others I made up in my head, still others my exboyfriend made up in his head. (This is a version of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. We suggest avoiding unless desperate.)
  • Egalitarian: Here’s a laundry list of what’s wrong with both of us. (Actually… this has merit.)
  • F*** This. We hate lists. Except this one. Let’s skip to R.
  • Reminders: I’ve been here and done this and I am over the creative-types with the odd-jobs and the big plans and the no follow-through. (Conflating with exboyfriends is never a good idea.)
  • S*** The Dowager Countess Says: “No one wants to kiss a girl in black.” “I, I… cannot find the words to say how I feel.” “Don’t be defeatist, dear. It’s very middle class.” “It’s a nut cracker. We thought you’d like it – to crack your nuts.” “Robert, dear. I don’t mean to sound harsh…” “There’s no need to be so prim; I come in peace.” Etc. (But NOT “One way or another everyone goes down the aisle with half the story hidden” because no.)
  • Timing: I’m just out of a long relationship. Work is really picking up. I need to be there for my family right now. I’m just so busy with my reading list. (Obviously bullshit. Excuses, excuses.)
  • Ultimatums: If you text me one more time I’m seeking a court order. (U can also stand for Unnecessary.)
  • Vacillate: Ummm, well. It could go this way or that way… Maybe this wouldn’t work out. But you just said that funny thing and that makes me think maybe it could work out. Except no, it totally wouldn’t. Unless it could. (Just, don’t. Best to be done with it.)
  • Winning: “I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.” (Winning.)
  • Xenophobia: I cannot date you because I cannot go outside. (Lies are bad. One must not tell lies.)
  • Yelling: LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE, OK? MY WORLD WILL NOT CHANGE DRAMATICALLY FOR THE WORSE IF I NEVER SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN. (Way harsh.)
  • Zygotes: I can’t imagine myself having your babies. (Also valid.) ((But perhaps premature.))

Penny is still a fan of just finding another Starbucks. Polly likes complaining to her friends and being non-confrontational.

*Polly didn’t write about him much but she whined to Penny and Molly a whole darn lot.
**Actually, Latte Boy plays ultimate frisbee like it’s his job and MMF(wwIacB) used to play soccer, Pol.***
***Oxford Comma plays piano and thus wins.****
****So who here is a David Foster Wallace fan?*****
*****Probably MMF(wwIacB). Almost guaranteed. Did I tell you we’re going to see Jeffrey Eugenides read? Did I?! Because we are. (And JE basically wishes he were DFW just, ya know, not dead.)

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One Response to “Goodbye, basketball team.”

  1. Sotorya (Tory) October 4, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

    There *is* one other option you know! (Really this is more for Pol, because…well Latte Boy…no.)

    “I’m just not interested in a romantic relationship with you”

    Cray Cray. I know.

    I mean c’mon Pol. He’s not Zeus, he’s not gonna hurl a lightning bolt at you. At least this way you can be cordial Work Friends or even Real Friends one day!

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