Does Not Compute.

4 Sep

Dates.

“Can I buy you dinner sometime? Not to mince words- I mean a bona-fide date.”

Thank you, Oxford Comma, for being eloquent, charming, straightforward, and everything that people like Persy aren’t. And he’s handsome. Oh, is he handsome.

But folks. What is this “date” of which Oxford Comma speaks?

YES, I’ve gotten dressed up to go out to a nice dinner, I’ve gone to the movies on several occasions without paying for my ticket, I’ve missed all the commuter trains back home while lingering on the top of the Empire State Building, and I’ve spent heaps of time with the opposite sex unchaperoned. But I haven’t really had a date before the relationship was declared.

High School lets-cuddle-in-this-corner-while-the-rest-of-our-friends-play-Mario-Kart dates are long gone. College come-to-my-dorm-to-check-out-this-cult-film-and-order-Chinese dates are fading. I’m a grown up! And I’m going on a grown up date! And I have absolutely no idea how to handle myself.

Chick-flick montages are playing on loop in my head and I’m trying desperately to remember all the token best friend’s advice. Don’t show too much skin- you’ll give the wrong impression. But dress nicely! Show him you’re interested. Laugh at his jokes! Don’t text him first. Never bring up your ex. Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. And for Zeus’ sake don’t order spaghetti.

This might be my first first date as a single girl, and it is uncharted territory. I’m a bundle of nerves despite our mutual appreciation of certain grammatical conventions as well as a shared love of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The coordinates are set, instruments on, lightspeed activated. But folks, this mission simply does not compute.

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2 Responses to “Does Not Compute.”

  1. Sotorya (Tory) September 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm #

    You’ll be fine. And you’ll have a fantastic manicure. Life is too short for a bad one. So hush.

    • Molpadia (Molly) September 5, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

      What she said.

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