The following misadventures in love/online dating are brought to you by Circe, who’d like to point out to a certain matchmaking god that his virtual arrows rarely hit their targets. (Unlike her poison darts…)
SMS from DSD: How have you been? It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you. If you’re hungry, you should drop by. Just finished making sesame chicken with rice!
Date 1 Flashback – Dinner and salsa dancing
DSD: You seem like a really nice girl, so why are you single?
Circe: It’s hard to say really… could be that my pet chinchilla sleeps in my bed with me, or that I have an uncle dad. Then there’s the collection of human skulls lining the bookshelves in my bedroom (come to think of it, perhaps I should find a more inconspicuous place to keep those). Or perhaps my vagina spear**, that tends to be a turnoff. Yes, definitely the vagina spear.
Guess I just haven’t found anyone yet. And I recently got out of a long term relationship.
DSD: Oh, me too! How long was yours?
Circe: Two years. You?
DSD: Ten years.
Circe: How old ARE you?
*Cut to later that evening at the salsa club aka abandoned warehouse in the ghetto*
DSD: Wow, so you’ve done this before, huh?
Circe: A few times…
DSD: I just started last week, but I have given myself 2 months to master salsa. Then I’m moving on to Bachata. I’m also working on tight rope walking now as well, got 2 weeks left to become a master!
Circe: Wow, that’s…ambitious. Or slightly insane. Does this guy ever sleep?
I can’t say I have that many hobbies, but I’m taking a hip hop class right now.
DSD: That’s awesome? What’s the name of the studio? What day is your class? What time?
Circe: Haha funny.
DSD: No seriously, I want to come watch your class!
Circe: Yep, definitely insane. Umm I don’t think I would be comfortable with that, I just met you.
DSD: Please? I’ll be really quiet. You won’t even know I’m there.
Circe: You know, I’m really tired, I think I’m gonna head home. And lock all of my doors. And possibly change my phone number.
DSD: I can take you home! Where do you live? I can make you a nice elderberry cocktail. I’m also working on becoming a licensed bartender. Or would you prefer coffee? I recently flew to Ecuador to pick my own beans and I have a small roaster in my apartment.
Circe: I’d rather spend a romantic evening with Uncle Dad. No thanks, I drove myself. For just this eventuality.
**Note: Vagina spears are a better alternative to the also fictional “shutting down” method popularized by Rep. Todd Akin.**