Musings – Restless Life Syndrome

6 Aug

Interwebs, I present with the following symptoms:

  1. General dissatisfaction not attributable to one single cause but contributing factors may include: job (dead-end), social life (or lack thereof), boyfriend (or lack thereof), routine intellectual stimulation (or, rather, lack thereof), etc.
  2. Guilt associated with general dissatisfaction mentioned above because, really, my life is pretty great. I have a job! With benefits!! And a family who loves me and a dog who loves me more, except when someone else has food, and friends! I have friends (whose zip codes are many and varied and mostly not mine, but still – friends)!!!
  3. A slowing metabolism
  4. An ageing degree
  5. A raging case of the shoulds (resulting in earlier discussed dead end job, a retirement fund, a Roth IRA, and a high-interest savings account) conquering the shouldn’ts (resulting in aborted trips abroad or to visit friends, a shrinking shoe wardrobe and an expanding waistline because one can only say “no” to so much)
  6. Sudden onslaught tears when planes pass overhead “You are now free to fly…” (nowhere because no one told you the money you make isn’t really yours, or at least not yours now though it might be at some nebulous point in the future if one of the millions of things that could go wrong in the intervening years doesn’t go wrong and ugh rent)
  7. An irrational devotion to the New Yorker, Salon, etc.

Liberal-arts-degree-holding young person, your symptoms are consistent with the following diseases (listed in no particular order):

  1. Lupus
  2. Cancer
  3. Pregnancy (this from your friendly university health center – we still love you!)
  4. Mid-life crisis (too young, you say? Fie!)
  5. RLS, or Restless Life Syndrome (not to be confused with Restless Leg Syndrome, which is an entirely different RLS entirely. Entirely.)
  6. Intestinal parasites (ingested while doing humanitarian work because isn’t that what you lot do now instead of getting jobs like real people?)
  7. Human werewolf syndrome (and no, that name is not at all repetitive)
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